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“I used to put up with a lot because I didn’t want to lose people. Now I set boundaries because I don’t want to lose myself.” ~anonymous
I felt stretched and depleted in my own life, drained by compulsion, and confused as to why I felt overwhelmed even when everything was ‘good’. At the time, I didn’t associate this fatigue with boundaries. I just knew I needed a lot in the way I was living, though I still couldn’t name what it was.
For a long time, I didn’t have a language for what was happening inside me, and I still didn’t see this fatigue as something I could respond to from within.
I thought boundaries were external, something other people should intuitively understand and respect. I believe they should know what not to say or ask because “I have boundaries.” But of course, that expectation leaves me feeling frustrated and unfulfilled at times.
When I reflect on that belief now, it seems like an early, incomplete expression of something I only came to embody much later—the realization that boundaries don’t start with other people. It starts with how we relate to ourselves. This shift in perspective was palpable and empowering.
The Beginning was not dramatic; It was a daily choice
I didn’t wake up one day and decide, “I’m leaving Set healthy boundaries” Instead, it began with small moments of noticing:
- I actually didn’t want to attend when I got frustrated after saying yes to the plan
- When I realized I was prioritizing making choices over being present with myself
- I smiled and said “yes” when my body felt tense because I was afraid to say “no”.
A typical example stands out: I would go to the movies with friends even when my energy was completely spent (fear of getting lost). I would leave feeling lethargic, then run into the next day’s duties feeling tired and low. It was in the quiet moments that followed – checking in with myself – that I realized I was choosing exhaustion over what really nourished me.
Gradually, “no” became not just a word but a felt experience, which I chose because I knew I would feel at peace afterward, not guilty or resentful.
And sometimes that meant choosing silence rather than entering into conversations where I had nothing authentic to contribute.
I remember sitting in a boardroom at work when the founder started talking about car racing the night before. Colleagues are quick to join in, offer opinions and try to make an impression. I felt the familiar pull to say something, to be seen and included, and then realized I had no real interest or knowledge to offer.
Choosing to remain silent in that moment was not passive; It was a conscious decision to respect myself rather than my ego. Preserving my inner peace became non-negotiable.
I have a dear friend whose motto is with me: don’t allow anyone to disturb your inner peace. That wisdom helped me in how I began to decide what to say, what to do, and yes… when to leave. Inner peace did not become something distant or aspirational but something that was lived and felt with every choice.
From external norms to internal awareness
Doing values work with another friend became a turning point for me. It helped me recognize what was most important—and, importantly, how living in alignment with those values felt in my body and nervous system: safe, stable, and peaceful. So, when a decision made me feel tense, restless, or I was giving up on myself, I knew something important needed to be shifted.
One of the hardest lessons, without question, was saying no at work.
After returning from maternity leave—dropping my boys off at daycare early in the morning before work, then returning for fear they’d be bored or forgotten—I struggled to say no to requests that didn’t respect my original boundaries.
I remember standing in my office, anxious and sweaty, trying to respond to a manager who didn’t see or understand the emotional and physical stress I was carrying. Asking for support and understanding didn’t mean he saw it, and I had to learn how to speak from within instead of expecting others to intuitively know what I needed.
The Shift: How I Practiced Choosing From Within
It was not an overnight transformation. It grew out of moments like standing in my office, heart racing, body tension, and realizing that continuing to override myself was costing me more than the discomfort of pausing and communicating honestly.
I started pausing (really pausing) before answering requests and expectations. At first, I practiced it consciously and slowly until it became something I embodied:
Pausing and Breathing: Noticing an inhalation and exhalation before speaking.
Checking in with my body: Noticing my shoulders and my jaw tense subtly immediately after a request that creates inconsistencies when the question is beyond my control.
Directing my attention to the connection between my body and the chair below me, the floor and the earth, and inviting a sense of stillness.
Using simple phrases to create space, such as “Can I come back to you?” or “Let me sit with this for a while.”
Choosing from a place of respectful need, not fear or “should.”
This practice gave me the strength to say, and sometimes, even harder, to name, how I was affected. I remember saying these things to my manager over time:
“I can’t complete it tonight.”
“I understand these things… I’ll make it a priority tomorrow.”
“When you use that tone or language, I feel powerless. It would matter to me if we spoke differently.”
What started as small, awkward moments of discomfort eventually became a framework that changed how I related to myself and the world.
A practice worth learning over and over again
Today, this is one of my most powerful lessons; While not perfect, it’s simple, actionable, and reminds us to connect with our wholeness as mind-body-heart beings.
I practice this over and over in my own life. I notice it most clearly in how I relate to my boys, when I am less responsive. more presentAnd willing to pause rather than push. It gives me the clarity in the moment and the stillness to choose what really aligns with what just keeps the peace. And the beauty of it is: the more you practice, the more you will strengthen the feeling of confidence and the easier it will become.
So if your boundaries seem blurry right now, know:
Begins within boundaries. These are not a list of rules for others to follow—they are a living experience of honoring what is most important within you
about Carolina Gonzalez
Carolina Gonzalez is an award-winning, certified mindfulness and meditation teacher based in Sydney, Australia. After navigating her own journey through depression and midlife transitions, she now helps women find their inner calm, build confidence and reconnect with greater clarity and inner peace. You can explore her work and download her free Daily Reset Kit: Seven Tiny Moments (under 60 seconds each) to help you get out of work mode and back to yourself carolinagonzalezmindfulness.com/free.
