“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss people.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
I stopped gossiping when life got me down. I didn’t realize it at the time, but what I thought was just a way for the innocent girl to talk to my friends To avoid my own shame and insecurity.
I had this quiet, ongoing sense that I didn’t measure up personally or emotionally. Gossiping about someone else gave me a momentary escape, because it allowed me to shift my focus to someone else’s behavior. Every time I did it, I felt a sense of guilt and shame, but I didn’t think too much about it.
Until the morning I was suddenly obliterated from a two-decade career, leaving me feeling angry, sad, frustrated, and utterly worthless, that I began to look at “harmless gossip” a lot differently.
I cried a lot for the first few weeks, months actually. I struggled to find my place in a world where my job not only paid the bills, but also gave me structure in a crazy world.
I remember sitting on my couch, feeling like a vulnerable, exposed child, when I discovered that my friends, whom I thought of as my support network, were suddenly discussing my recent travails like the weather.
I felt exposed and betrayed but determined to persevere.
At that moment, I realized that gossip was a way to momentarily control a narrative when my own life was out of control. Orcs seemed small when I turned to it when I was scared, but it was just a mirage, leaving me feeling more empty each time.
In my own isolation, I noticed a friend who always seemed to spiral into negativity, turning every conversation into a complaint, always talking about others. And it made me wonder, if she was so free to gossip about them, what was she saying about me when I wasn’t there? But I did the same with him.
Something changed when she finally admitted she was tired and at her wits end. At that point, I realized that I often filled in the blanks with judgment rather than curiosity. It was easier for me to gossip about him, to stay in the shallow comfort of supposition, than to ask him how he was really doing or sit quietly with him.
What I had labeled as dismissive suddenly seemed more like living and I couldn’t help but feel that I wasn’t the friend I wanted to be.
Now that I’m on the other side, I realize how quickly words can hurt. I promised myself in that moment that when I spoke, it would be with compassion and care, knowing how deeply words could hurt.
I have no problem telling people I don’t gossip anymore, and I know it’s pushed some friends away. And I’m okay with that because I’m no longer bound by those old patterns.
My own battle took away the need to judge, assume, or speak casually about others. When you are brought to your own knees by loss, illness, or fear, you begin to realize how fragile a human heart truly is and how heavy careless words can land on someone already drowning.
Compassion, I learned, is not the moral high ground; It is knowledge gained through pain.
As my life slowly unfolded, I began to learn what it felt like to move through a world misunderstood, judged by appearances while struggling to personally stay afloat. As I sank, every whispered comment, every casual judgment felt like a weight dragging me to the bottom of the ocean.
It was in that very personal space that gossip stopped feeling harmless. It starts to feel irresponsible and careless, talking about wounds without knowing how deep they go.
Gradually, I began to see how much wasted energy Goppo demanded and how little it gave in return.
Growing gossip wasn’t about being better than someone else; It was about being the best version of me. It became about guarding my own heart and choosing compassion over silly, passive words.
My healing required space, silence, and the courage to say what nurtures instead of harm. My own pain has taught me that each person carries a heavy enough story without adding the weight of my judgment.
Choosing silence and sympathy Change the way I move through the world.
Last week, I caught myself joining a familiar conversation, but I quickly stopped myself. In that break, I realized how free I could be, no longer burdened by old habits. I listened more, judged less and enjoyed connecting with people rather than dissecting them. My energy is no longer drained by the toxic weight of gossip, and my heart feels lighter, more open, and more at peace.
Gossip only kept me small, but now I choose to grow out of it, into what truly nourishes the heart: giving my time to kindness, connection, and understanding.
about Lisa Ingrassia
Lisa Ingrassia is a former HuffPost blogger and BeliefNet writer. She is a monthly contributor to Family Christian and has also appeared on Her View From Home and The Mighty with work. He is currently working on his memoir, After Aminand shares images of life, sadness and love through her social media pages, A daughter’s love. When she’s not writing, Lisa is a devoted wife and obsessed with her puppy Nitro.
