Letter to my son's father when he asked what it would take to marry me

In 2005, when my son was about twelve, his father, who was unfaithful and mostly absent, asked what it would take to get me married. I no longer remember what prompted the question. He didn’t want to marry me earlier. The following was my answer.

Dear Darren,

You asked what it would take to marry me.

First, there must be peace in my house. I believe couples should make their home an oasis for each other. The world is hard enough. Be comfortable at home.

may have no Drama Our son has enough drama for the three of us.

If there is no faith, drama comes. I have to trust that my husband has my back in every situation. It requires a faithfulness that goes beyond sex. We should be able to trust each other enough to be platonic friends without worrying. We should also be there for each other when no one else is.

There can be no falsehood of any kind – commission or omission. Privacy and personal boundaries will never need to be lied to.

I want a spiritual connection. This includes sex. Love-making can take many forms, but I want spiritual connection as a foundation there.

I want a man who loves me. This should be obvious, but apparently it isn’t. I have spent my life developing myself mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and physically. I wish you would do the same.

I want my husband to appreciate my efforts and results. I’m an amazing woman who likes to be alone with someone who doesn’t think I exist and who doesn’t truly love me.

When we make love, I want to feel that my man is fully present. There’s nothing lonelier than sex, which feels isolating.

I have come a long way since our son was born. I have to go further. I plan to write more and conduct seminars. I plan to become more financially secure. I want a man who will contribute and support my goals. You already know how supportive I am.

The saying is “I can do it all by myself.” I can do everything myself. However, I could really fly if I had a husband to relieve me of financial responsibility. Our son can fly too.

I want a man who loves my son, and shows it by asking the best As a parent to him, despite my big mistakes, I am careful to give my son only good things. I am aware of my own failings and I correct them and apologize for them as soon as possible. I refuse to allow my own weaknesses, prejudices, denials, condemnations, or anything else negative to be part of my son’s legacy. I hope my husband does too.

As he left me, Stephen said to me, “Carol, you corner me and hold a mirror up to me, and I can’t stand to look at it.”

I do the same thing with myself, and force myself to look, so I can be as clear as possible with my son. I have relationship and financial fears and failures that I am working to change and I want my man to do the same with his fears and failures.

Finally, we want action, not just talk. I often fall for sweet words and a man’s potential. I now think about my child’s prospects. Grown men don’t have “potential” and I can’t fix anyone but myself.

Basically, I want a grown man who walks and talks.

With love and clear mind,

carol

PS to my readers. We are not married.

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This post was Previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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