I remember when I realized I had to stop checking out women on the metro.
I was staring at a cute girl and sliding my eyes up and down her body, almost unconsciously imagining her naked. almost Involuntarily
And suddenly it occurred to me that she might not like being photographed naked by a complete stranger – and I was acting just like her. Fat men creeps I lashed out with my angry feminist tirades.
At the time, I identified as a butcher, not a man, but I recognized that the problem was the same — seeing a woman’s body and fantasizing about it was my kind of thing.
We think about these things sometimes sexual rights And objectification as a problem purely with men, but The reality is masculine women do it too.
My friend once pointed out that butchers “take a step away from female solidarity” when they dress and act more masculine. They are considered more threatening.
When someone intentionally signals “I’m male/bach/ag!” disrespecting you in a way traditionally associated with men, it can be, and often is, Just as painful.
I started dating my current partner – almost exclusively female-presenting, female-identifying women – after I started presenting as male. She got mad at me once for putting my hand on the small of her back and leading her around when we were in a crowded room. I was upset with him for objecting. My ex (also a feminine-identified woman) didn’t mind it at all and I couldn’t see what the problem was.
But then I remembered: I met my ex before I started posing as a butcher.
I later discovered that my girlfriend always thought I was more masculine than my ex. She would have responded to a man the way she responded to me.
This conversation, early in our relationship, was the beginning of my process of relearning how to interact with women.
And if you, too, have recently moved into a masculine-presenting space, here are some ways to rethink your masculinity.
1. Identify your ‘problem area’
Every feminist MOC Individuals have their own “problem areas” in eliminating sexist behavior from our lives.
Some of us have trouble remembering not to objectify women. Some of us have trouble remembering not to participate in the subtle undermining of women in the workplace. Some of us have trouble rejecting the virgin-whore dichotomy.
My problem is entitlement.
I’m a good feminist in many ways, but I struggle with entitlement. I clearly absorbed the message that men deserve things like sex and attention from women. Most of the time, I don’t actively expect these things from women, but sometimes I get upset with a woman for not giving me the attention I expect.
Outside of romantic relationships I mostly treat women with respect and as equals, but in relationships I need to update my feminism as I begin to transition. I am a dominant person, and my assumption has always been that I would dominate my romantic partner.
This is a problematic assumption regardless of your gender, but because I’ve lived more as a male person, my female partners have pointed out that there’s nothing to distinguish me from the men I hated who assumed they should be the boss in the relationship.
I accidentally earned the right to be a man when I started dressing and acting like one.
And I had to actively notice that if I wanted to change it.
2. Recognize real-life implications
As I became more vocal about my masculinity and pushed for its recognition, I had to change the way I interacted with my female partners.
Society doesn’t help me fight it – in fact, it does the opposite. As I moved along the gender spectrum More-feminine-than-not from More-masculine-than-notI noticed a change in how I was treated by other men and women.
As I became more comfortable with my masculinity, I became more willing And Expect to take responsibility in a relationship.
Early in my relationship with my current girlfriend, we were out dancing with friends, including another butcher we’ll call Romeo. Romeo asked i am To dance with my girlfriend before consulting my girlfriend.
This struck me as odd, but it was business as usual for Romeo. He followed the social norms he knew, which was to ask the “boi friend” of the girl you wanted to dance/romance/buy drinks with before hooking up with her.
It is a form of strange heroism. and much like Heterosexual heroismIt writes feminine autonomy out of the picture.
Sexist men are also more likely to assume I’m on board Sexist jokes. A guy I worked with made a joke about beating his wife in front of me and a group of women and looked at me when it didn’t go well, as if I understood.
We need to take care of these things.
3. Redefine masculinity — individually and globally
Gendered messages that men should be in control and dominant, as well as treating other men and men differently, made it difficult to understand how to be respectful of women while maintaining my masculinity.
i get bombing With the message that masculinity must be controlled and treating women with respect makes me less of a man.
All, this difficult Pressure to conform to gender norms is like multiplying peer pressure.
My feminism has had to change from a feminism of solidarity to a feminism of acknowledging that I am different. And that I have to own it and change my behavior.
Due to my commitment to my gender messaging and treating women with respect, some stress and discomfort may not seem like such a big deal to struggle with. And it really doesn’t. I will pay a small emotional price to have a healthy and respectful relationship with female acquaintances.
But what about those men and masculine men who ignore the cultural script that doesn’t want to or can’t deal with the shame and frustration that makes a man human? They will continue to mistreat women.
The solution is to change the conversation.
Being a man isn’t about dominance, and it’s certainly not about subjugating women. We need to find a way to reframe masculinity so that it is not opposed to respectful and equal gender relations..
***
So who is leading this work? So far, it’s a grassroots network of groups, viz Brown Bowie Project And Men can stop rapeWriting and teaching and trying to combat the idea that masculinity inherently involves violence.
They are doing amazing work, though We need to do more.
Masculinity must be divorced from violence in the media. How can we learn that masculinity can be gentle and respectful if the ideal male hero is a man who dominates his environment and destroys everything in his path?
We need to teach young boys that respectful give-and-take is the ideal way to communicate—it’s not important to “win” every interaction.
We need to give men and men a way to express our true selves without using oppression of women to show how big and strong we are.
(do_widget id=”text-101″)
Willie Reading is a contributing writer to Everyday Feminism. Wiley is a New Jersey-born artist, writer, environmentalist, and social justice advocate based in Burlington, VT. She works as a community health worker for the Greater Burlington YMCA and writes for Disrupting the dinner partyA small collective feminist blog. In his free time, Wylie draws bugs and old buildings, loves every show on the Food Network, makes creative (read: pulled from recycling) toys for his bunnies, and every once in a while tipsily reminds everyone that New Jersey is the best state. Follow him on Twitter @wreadinggo.
–
Previously published at everydayfeminism.com
–
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All premium members can watch The Good Men Project without any ads. A full list of benefits is here.
–
Photo credit: splash
