The fatigue of being an individual creeps up on everyone

Three guys texted me this week asking if we could talk.

All three needed something. A breakup. workload Family drama.

And I appeared. I always show up.

But you know what’s fun? None of them asked how I was. not really

I didn’t select it

I became a therapist friend by accident.

Like, one time in college someone was crying and I didn’t know what to do so I just sat there and listened. And then it kept happening. And now I’m 27 and apparently this is who I am now.

What people call when they’re broke.

Which sounds nice until you realize no one calls to check you Falling

Your problem has become my problem

Last week my friend spent an hour telling me about her anxiety. which is fine. i love him

But then at night I couldn’t sleep because I was worried about him. And the next day at work I kept checking my phone to see if he texted. And when she finally did (saying she felt better), I was exhausted.

No one tells you that being a listener means carrying other people’s weight around. Like, they can take it down and walk away lightly. And you’re just standing there holding it.

Lonely sex thing

I have many friends. My calendar is full. people love me

But I feel completely alone.

Because they like the version of me that has her shit together. One who gives good advice. The stable one.

They don’t know that version is fake. That’s most days I barely put it together.

And I can’t tell them because… what are they going to do with that information? They are used to me being nice.

If not, it seems impossible

My friend asked if she could call me last night and I was too tired. eg, bone-weary. I had a terrible day.

But I said yes anyway. Because if he really needs me? What if I was the only person he could talk to?

So I was on the phone for two hours when I wanted to go to bed.

And then I cried because I’m so tired of being the person who always says yes.

I don’t have an answer here

I don’t know how to stop being this person. I don’t know how to set boundaries without the guilt eating me alive.

All I know is I’m tired. really tired

And sometimes I wish someone would ask me how I’m doing and actually wait for a real answer.

To the strong friend reading this at 2am: I see you. And you are allowed to be tired too.