If you are my last lesson, I hope it will be the next one that I have waited so patiently all my life.
Because you are the last lesson where I take less than I deserve. You are the ultimate time I sacrifice myself to make someone else feel safe. How much am I willing to limit myself just to keep a connection alive?
This was the last time I found myself in the position of teaching an adult how to simply be, how to see the world a little wider, and how to fill life with the curiosity and maturity that I thought came naturally to humans. This last time I purposefully belittled myself, pretending not to understand something I immediately understood, playing innocent to protect a dynamic that wasn’t safe enough to be honest.
This last time I lowered standards that were never unreasonable to begin with, perhaps too honestly for someone who wasn’t ready to rise to them. The last time I take on the effort that only shows up at the beginning, only when everything still seems new and easy, and the honeymoon period just quietly disappears after I’ve decided I’ve done enough. And when was the last time I was with someone who wasn’t the least bit inspired by who I was, who didn’t feel a quiet, healthy pull toward me that wanted to show up without anyone asking. Because if there isn’t, what exactly are we doing here?
I sit quietly to avoid making a scene, sitting with the heavy weight of my own words because the alternative is friction. I ended up constantly reminding someone how to show up, until I found my pleas were going absolutely nowhere until the only option was to use silence as a coping mechanism to just get through the day. I’ve lowered my standards to fit into places that were never built to hold the weight I love
I know I have a heart that feels too much to carry. My emotional awareness and my sensitivity can feel overwhelming to people who are just looking for something simple, comfortable. Often, when people encounter a love that is this real and honest, they feel threatened. They call it too much, or too deep, because they simply aren’t ready to face their own fears or see the quiet spaces within themselves that need healing. It’s always easier to walk away from it than to look in the mirror and change.
But I refuse to believe that my full capacity for love is a flaw, and I stop fighting the doors that fate has closed for me. If fate has a hand in the end, I have to believe it has a hand in the beginning too.
I’m sure there’s a certain connection there, someone who will love me for the exact same reason others fear. Someone who will see the measure of my heart and decide to stay, no matter how the wind blows. Because hope is the one thing I refuse to give up on. That’s all I know.
The difference will be simple. They won’t just tell me they want to be a good person. They will actually work to become one, because fate doesn’t just bring people together; It aligns two minds that are equally ready to stand still in the storm. They would show up day after day, without me needing to give them a map or a reason to try. They will want to be better, and they will prove it by their actions, not just their words.
If you are a lesson, I hope you are the last lesson where I take less than I deserve.
Otherwise, that’s fine too.
I know I still have a beautiful life ahead of me. People who love me, dreams I want to chase, places I haven’t seen and I’m still becoming a version of myself. I will survive this, just as I have survived everything else.
You too will move on. Perhaps it will turn out to be another relationship that just didn’t work out. For me, that would be the moment when I stopped mistaking love for self-sacrifice and finally chose myself instead.
But if you are that connection, if you are that destination, then I hope we choose to heal each other. I hope we can look at the weapons we have built and realize that life is not meant to be lived behind the walls of our defenses, but out in the open. If we were, let it be because we are willing to choose each other through friction and calmness, instead of waiting for the other’s break to match each other’s efforts. I hope we realize that building a home together means creating a space where neither of us will ever have to feel cramped again.
If this chapter brings me to this realization, I acknowledge the growth. I am waiting for a clear vision and a light chest. I’m learning to trust the timing of my life, holding the quiet faith that all this patience is leading me to a place where I’m completely, unequivocally chosen, whether it means reclaiming the story we’re already in or saving my heart for the one who already knows how to be.
