–
The biggest problem I hear about dating today is the epidemic of emotionally unavailable people flooding the dating market. I especially hear from women who say this about men, but it can be gender agnostic.
The complaint goes like this: “Matthew, I’ve met a great guy. We’re getting along, but the conversations are surface level. I can’t seem to get him to open up or go deeper with his feelings. He can’t process and register his own emotions until I point them out to him. I just want to make him vulnerable. Why can’t he do that?”
This video is going to show you what men are afraid to open up about and how to make him more emotionally available and increase his chances of building a lasting relationship with you.
This is a bit of a personal video because, in some ways, I was this guy. I’ve had one experience in my life where openness completely turned me off to the woman I was seeing, and another completely different one that led me to the point where I eventually married that woman.
We’re going to talk about the difference between those two moments today.
If you’re new here, I’m Matthew Hussey and I’ve been helping people find love for almost 20 years. I have also written two New York Times bestsellers on the subject. Don’t forget to subscribe and like this video, and let’s get right into it.
Here’s a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.
“I find it fascinating.”
Years ago, I opened up to a woman about an insecurity I harbored for fear of making her less attractive.
His reaction when I finally said it? “I find it really unusual.”
He actually said it, and it hurt badly. I had no idea what to do with this injury because I now had no way of bringing her that injury.
It created this strong connection for me that opening up meant losing my power. I think that’s what many of us love about early dating: how bulletproof we can pretend to be.
So the situation has become dire.
Years later when I was dating a different man, who during one of our first dates mentioned another guy in a way that made me jealous.
Looking back, it made me feel threatened and scared. But then, all I registered was: “How dare she still be attracted to this tall, handsome, successful rogue from the past?”
I knew I wouldn’t give up power by talking this time. I didn’t want this scruffy Flynn Rider – or whatever his dumb name was – to have any power over me.
So I did what any smart person would do: I got moody, calmed down, and wasted lunch.
Then, after hours of gaslighting her for saying that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, we finally fought, during which she told me that I was grossly unfair in how I was treating her.
Then I called a friend who I knew was right to be mad, and his advice was: “Forget it.”
One of the most healing moments of my life
But here was the problem: I couldn’t get it out of my head how logical he was.
Sure, she told me it was unfair of me to take my feelings out on her, but she wasn’t mean. He wasn’t shy.
I began to think that this might be one of those situations where I was in danger of sabotaging a good thing.
When we met again that night, she said, “What happened? Talk to me.”
This time I shared how his comments made me feel.
Have you ever had an instant weakness hangover where you thought, “What have I done?” Because I was.
My reaction was to go cold again, which is embarrassing. But when he finally got me to talk, I explained that now that I had said these words, it would affect the way he saw me.
Then I get mad again—first by sympathizing with him to make room for my true feelings to come out, and then with myself for foolishly falling into his vicious web of sympathy.
But what he said next brought us closer instantly and to this day, is one of the most healing moments of any relationship in my life.
He said he didn’t find me less sexy, which didn’t negate the moments when I was strong or in control, and if anything, it just made him feel closer to me – which he loved.
If you couldn’t tell and you’re still wondering, this person is now my wife. Her name is Audrey.
How to leave Limbo
Nothing is guaranteed about that happy ending.
If I hadn’t been able to share what was really happening to me – or if she had responded to my vulnerability with shame or judgment – we both would have destroyed our futures that day.
Are you seeing someone right now who is self-sabotaging because their emotional unavailability is preventing them from fully committing to you?
Conversations about where things are going can feel like pulling teeth, and there’s a lot of resistance to calling it a relationship.
I have a free video training download that shows you exactly what you can do in a situation like this.
I had my own mental blocks when it came to commitment, but the way Audrey and I talked about them was responsible for getting me out of my own way.
This video walks you through exactly what that conversation looked like and helps you get out of the awkwardness of the situation and into monologue—even if previous conversations didn’t go well.
Why real vulnerability scares us
In retrospect, I never thought I was emotionally unavailable.
And yet, most of the time the things I shared were safe and comfortable—even if they looked vulnerable on the outside.
It’s a lot like when someone who made it in business tells you their rags-to-riches story. It is not really a story of weakness. It’s the story of a hero’s journey to find out how great they are.
Real weakness scares the hell out of us because we don’t know if anyone will accept us after what we say.
Most of these guards are not aware. It’s just part of life. We eat, we breathe, and we keep our fearful thoughts to ourselves where they belong.
This is especially common among men who believe that if a woman really knew them, they wouldn’t be accepted—let alone worshipped.
So they lift weights, climb the status ladder, and use stoicism as an excuse for not having feelings.
These men have decided that women can say they want a man who is emotionally available, but they just don’t have the power to get him.
A Reddit post asked: “How many times has opening up with your girlfriend or partner actually ended badly?”
Many responses simply said: “Every time.”
One man wrote: “Many women I’ve dated in the past have received it with hostility or told me they can’t see me as a man anymore.”
This was after opening up about depression and anxiety.
If you are a man watching this, please know that the right relationship is one that allows you to be open and vulnerable without your partner losing attraction to you.
This does not mean that every day becomes an emotional burden. Women want to feel that they are with someone who is resilient, strong, decisive and capable.
Ironically, one of the most attractive things about us as men is our vulnerability.
Something healing for a man to hear
For women who are watching, a gentler way to own vulnerability is to understand where it’s coming from instead of judging it on a surface level.
When I look back at people I judged while dating, I often realize they weren’t “crazy.” They were through something.
Sometimes I realized they weren’t acting jealous on the initial date—I was just behaving in ways that made them feel insecure.
One of the most incredibly healing things for a man to hear is that it’s okay to be a lot.
You love the leader in him. You love the original caveman in the bedroom. You love the way he makes you feel safe.
But you can also love the part of him that sometimes struggles, feels insecure or anxious about life.
One does not negate the other.
What makes someone feel safe?
If you’re a woman and thinking, “I want a man who’s emotionally open, but I can’t be his only source of emotional intimacy,” that’s understandable.
If he’s regularly insecure, anxious, or depressed and it’s affecting your attraction or relationship, build the conversation around what you need.
Don’t say: “This anxious state is debilitating and turns me off.”
Instead say: “I’m also someone who gets tired, scared and anxious. I need support too. I need my teammate today.”
The specialty of this language is that it doesn’t place you above it. It positions you as a teammate.
It is much more motivating for a man to hear that he is a bad teammate than to hear that he is an extraordinary person.
One wants to show him. The other makes him feel that he is not enough.
Acquire weakness
None of this means that someone who is struggling with running shouldn’t seek therapy or coaching.
And if the burden of the relationship continues to fall on you, there’s no shame in admitting that you need to move on.
Just remember: someone who always seems confident may still have raw parts. They may simply be too afraid to accept these parts of themselves.
That’s why encouragement and acceptance of weakness are important.
And if you’re lucky enough to find someone who’s already vulnerable in a healthy way, it’s worth considering how much time and energy he’s already saved you, how honest that relationship can be, and how deep the intimacy can be in the long run.
Let me know in the comments if you’ve struggled with vulnerability in the past, how you’ve evolved, and if you’re a man, how women have reacted to your vulnerability over the years.
I look forward to reading your comments and being part of the conversation.
–
This post was Previously published on YouTube.
Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthehussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG
***
In the substack? Follow us there For more great dating and relationship content.
–
Photo credit: splash
