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Why early dating can be so confusing
In early dating, it’s hard to tell if someone’s interest is genuine or if it’s driven by something that has nothing to do with you.
Maybe they are driven by lust, by a search for a comeback after having their heart broken, or simply by pride – to see if they can get you.
It’s easy to see all of these as bad actors who know exactly what they’re doing And some of them, of course. But others are not aware of the reasons for their behavior. So you won’t learn the truth even if you ask them.
That’s why signals like someone being open about their feelings for you, setting up with interest the next time you meet, and taking you on a fairytale date aren’t necessarily strongly correlated with how great your future relationship with them will be—or if it ever will be.
A classic error is someone making a mistake attention for them purpose.
In fact, some of the best relationships burn more slowly, with less certainty in the beginning and even more friction—which we’ll discuss later in this video.
And some bad relationships start like a perfect Disney movie with fireworks.
It’s confusing. It’s hard to tell what emotional availability actually looks like in the beginning.
So in this video, I wanted to share some signs—or green flags, for a change—to look for in the first few weeks or months of dating that can help you figure out if someone’s behavior shows true purpose and potential, or if this person might just break your heart.
If you’re new here, I’m Matthew Hussey. I have been a coach for almost two decades. I have written international bestsellers love is lifeAnd I share the lessons I’ve learned over the years on this YouTube channel
Subscribe and give this video a like so I can reach more people who need to hear these lessons.
Here’s a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.
Love Bomb vs Real Interest
Here’s a tricky thing that trips up a lot of people: In early dating, love bombing and genuine interest can look very similar.
Only later events let us know which one it really was.
A love bomber can send flirty texts showing interest, listen to your wants and needs and deliver them to you, tell you about the future and tell you how special you are.
When you talk to friends about all this, wary people might say:
“She’s doing too much. It’s love bombing.”
Whereas hopeful romantics would say:
“Oh God, see? That’s why I say if men want it, they will. He’s in you.”
It’s hard to know which voice to listen to.
So what are the green flags that can tell you where your relationship is really going?
Green Flag #1: Reciprocity and momentum
Finally, this is an occasion for hats.
If you’re going on an incredible date, but you don’t hear from the person for a few weeks until it’s time to set up the next one, there’s a loss of momentum.
And if you notice a gap like this and you step up and text between dates, but the interest isn’t reciprocated, it could be a sign that the relationship is one of convenience—or filling a void that has nothing to do with the person’s genuine interest in you.
An early green flag is that there is momentum and a mutual back and forth between the two of you.
- If you text first, will she continue the exchange?
- If you indicate that you want to see him again, will he set up a later date?
- If you say you prefer calls to texts, will he pick up the phone and call you?
These are all green flags that this person’s intentions are aligned with yours.
A good sign that you’re experiencing reciprocity and momentum—a green bean, if you will—rather than feeling anxious and confused, some of the emotionally unavailable people you date on a regular basis, is how you feel about your needs and how you feel comfortable communicating safely.
When you’re unsure if it’s you or them
One of the hardest parts, especially if we’re anxiety-inclined, is trying to figure out if the problem is ours or theirs.
Does their behavior actually support our concerns?
Are we intuiting that something is off about their intentions, or is our nervous system playing tricks on us?
It’s hard to trust ourselves when one’s emotional availability—or unavailability—only becomes apparent in hindsight.
And when we speak, we want to communicate powerfully, not from a place of insecurity or neediness that we later regret.
Green Flag #2: The need and feeling of communication you feel safe
When you bring your needs to an emotionally available person, their response doesn’t leave you wondering:
“Oh God, what have I done?”
And then it seems like you can’t bring anything the next time.
A member of my love life told me about a guy she used to date who wouldn’t text her during the day.
When she talks to him about it, he tells her he can’t give her what she needs and breaks up with him.
Now he felt an instinctive regret at not saying anything.
But she needn’t have regretted because she didn’t lose the right person.
The right person is emotionally available.
And when you bring something up productively to someone who is emotionally available, it becomes a conversation.
Either they’ll understand and change their behavior, they’ll meet you in the middle, or if they can’t do something you’re asking, they’ll explain it in an authentic and compassionate way.
It will never make you feel horrible for mentioning it.
And it will not be followed by withdrawal on their part.
You will not feel penalized in any way.
They won’t use things as an excuse to blow things up while allowing you to torture yourself into believing it’s your fault.
Here is a good test:
If you’re beating yourself up for daring to point out something small that ends things, it’s not you who messed up.
They are emotionally unavailable.
Green Flag #3: Acceptance without judgment
Here is a deeper one reflected.
Emotionally available people create a culture of acceptance from the start.
In other words, you feel safe without being perfect.
Emotionally unavailable people often create a culture where you don’t feel safe.
Maybe you feel judged in a derogatory way, or you have to perform to fit their description of what a great partner looks like.
Maybe you think your parts are too much—that you’re too sensitive, too emotional or too demanding because, God forbid, you want to hear from them once a day.
Or maybe you feel like you’re not enough because you enjoy a slow Saturday morning in bed instead of joining them for a quick Ironman and a breakfast cold dip instead of attending a 6:00 am gratitude session.
If someone is constantly judging or picking on you or your lifestyle, it’s important to express that while they may have expectations of the kind of person they want to be with, you’re actually happy and comfortable.
And make it clear that you’re not judging them at every turn.
No because they are perfect. They don’t.
What you ultimately want is to commit to seeing the best in each other—or face the reality that you’re not right for each other.
This conversation does a few powerful things.
It shows them that you don’t even judge yourself for the things they’re judging you for.
And it also shows that you accept them despite their imperfections.
You do not worship them. You can see them clearly, but apply a generous lens.
It’s a rare thing that smart people don’t want to lose.
But your value is knowing what your love is worth in the world.
So someone is going to be here, you expect the same in return.
Green flags are not always decisive
One of the biggest misconceptions about green flag people is that they come across as judgmental.
That is not true.
Emotionally unavailable red flags can be incredibly decisive in the beginning.
And the people who are really right for you – the ones with whom you can build a long-term relationship – can come across as hesitant, unsure and indecisive.
We have the impression that emotionally available people always know what they want.
That they are clear, decisive, strong and certain.
Some advice online says that men immediately put you in one category: girlfriend or hookup.
Other suggestions say:
“When men know, they know.”
These things are such oversimplifications.
Most people, regardless of gender, are unsure of what they really want and need.
So few of us know what really makes us happy in a relationship.
The early stages of dating are often driven by emotion, dopamine and lust.
What is the master of dating?
A green flag is someone who is receptive to new ways of being happy, open to change and willing to grow.
They may not be the most confident person you’ve ever met.
They may not perfect their communication style.
Many people don’t know what they want until they experience something healthy.
Green flags are people who are open to being shaped by emotionally available communication and who rise to the level of an amazing relationship once presented with one.
Unavailable people, by contrast, are rigid in their ways and show little desire to grow.
The amount of communication with them will not change.
This is why most people don’t realize that the key to dating in the modern age is leadership.
Leading with your warmth, your acceptance of other people, the generous way you see them, and emotionally developed communication.
And lead with your standards for what you desire—or no longer desire—in return.
This approach doesn’t quickly filter out red flags before you invest too much.
It becomes the green flag for more people around you.
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This post was Previously published on YouTube.
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