I worked on myself for three years alone.
Three years of therapy, journaling, morning routines, boundary-setting workshops and every self-help book that promised I’d be “ready” for love when I finally loved myself enough.
And you know when someone actually wanted to date me? I panicked and said I wasn’t ready yet.
The advice everyone gives (and why it half works)
“You can’t love someone else until you love yourself first.”
I’ve heard it from therapists, Instagram infographics, my best friend, my mom, and about 47 different relationship podcasts. And here’s the thing that makes this advice so dangerous: It’s not exactly wrong.
Self-love is important. I’m not here to tell you it doesn’t. Learning to be okay with being alone, setting boundaries, knowing your worth – these are all real and valuable and necessary.
But somewhere along the way, we’ve made “loving yourself first” an impossible standard that keeps us forever apart.
When will the cause end? When are you finally “ready”? When have you meditated for 365 days? When do you stop being insecure? When you no longer feel anxious or needy or jealous?
I kept waiting to feel whole. To feel whole. Assuming I’ve done enough internal work to qualify for partnership. And keep moving further away from the finish line.
No one mentions the part
Here’s what they don’t tell you about “working on yourself” before dating: You can use it as an excuse to avoid intimacy altogether.
I did this for years without realizing it. Every time someone showed interest, I found a new flaw in myself that needed to be fixed first. My communication skills were still not perfect. I still had problems packing and unpacking dad. I haven’t fully processed my last breakup four years ago.
There was always another level of healing. Always take another workshop. Always another reason I wasn’t ready.
And I feel so virtuous about it. I was responsible. i was working I wasn’t one of those messy people who bounced from relationship to relationship without healing.
Except I was also completely alone and was getting lonely by the month.
The advice was a shield. A way to protect myself from the very real risk of letting someone see me, flaws and all. Because here’s the uncomfortable truth: You’ll never be perfect enough to guarantee that a relationship won’t hurt you.
What Changed Everything
Met someone in a coffee shop. We talked for two hours and they asked for my number.
My immediate internal reaction was the usual: “I’m not ready. I still need to work on my anxious attachment style. I should wait until I’m more healthy.”
But then I thought, wait. What if I don’t fully recover? What if being “ready” is a myth that I’m hiding?
So I said yes to the date. And then another one. And I was a mess the whole time.
I got concerned when they didn’t text back quickly. I overshared on three dates. I cried after our first minor disagreement because I was sure they would go away. I did all the things the self-help books warned me not to do until I was “perfect”.
And they have been… They didn’t run. They were patient. We talked it through.
Turns out, you can actually learn to love yourself better in a relationship, not just before one. Wild idea, I know.
Being with someone who sees your anxiety and doesn’t weaponize it teaches you that you’re lovable even if you’re not perfect. Witnessing your healing in real time is different than healing someone alone in your apartment with a journal.
Advice we really need
No one is saying that you should jump into a relationship to fix your self-esteem or, as Jerry Maguire quotes, make you whole. That’s still a terrible idea.
But perhaps the best advice is: work on yourself and be open to connections. They are not mutually exclusive. They actually help each other.
Instead someone would tell me:
– You don’t have to be perfectly healthy to be worthy of love
– Relationships will trigger parts of you that aren’t healing and that’s actually where real growth happens
– Waiting until you’re “ready” can mean waiting forever
— Being vulnerable with another person is part of learning to love yourself, not something that comes later
You are allowed to be a work in progress and still want the partnership. You have insecurities and are still allowed to date. You are allowed not to embody everything.
The idea that you have to be perfect before someone can love you? It is not wisdom. It’s just fear couched in self-help language.
What do I know now?
I’m still in therapy. I still journal. I still have anxious days where I’m convinced I’m too much or not enough.
But I stopped waiting to be perfect before loving myself. And honestly? Being in a relationship taught me more about self-love than three years alone.
Because true self-love is not being so complete that you don’t need anyone. It’s about knowing that you are worthy of love even when you’re still figuring yourself out.
Maybe you’re “not ready”. Maybe you’re just scared. And maybe right. Maybe you’re scared and try anyway.
The right person won’t wait for you to be perfect. They will just see you try, and that will be enough.
–
This post was Previously published at medium.com.
Love affair? We promise a better stay with your inbox.
Subscribe to get dating and relationship advice 3x weekly.
do you know We have 8 publications on Medium. Join us there!
***
–
Photo credit: Michael Fenton at Unsplash
