I always read the rules before joining an online group. I’m invited to many groups, but I don’t join them all. It was an interesting look, but it didn’t take long after entering the private sanctuary of social media groups before I noticed some strange things.
First, I should disclose that this was a homesteading group. I prefer “farmstead” to homestead, and I prefer the regenerative, organic approach to anything else, so I wasn’t sure if this would be the best fit. I was willing to try it out because it was also for single people who are managing homesteads on their own. I thought this might be a good resource.
But then … things got weird.
Source for context
The first thing I noticed that was strange was people posting selfies with their garden and farm animals. They were just no selfies. They were clearly meant to be thirst traps. It was unusual to see.
Reading the long posts, most of them focus on advertising lifestyles for singles who want to join them. This was … a dating team? I didn’t sign up for that.
The second thing I noticed was that there were a lot of comments from men under the pictures a woman posted. This may not be noticeable to most people who regularly participate in online groups, but I’ll be honest: I rarely join men.
Why do I choose women only teams?
My favorite groups on the internet are safe spaces for women where men are not allowed. Solo travel group. Women’s hiking group. Dating support group. I always find these places to be positive, supportive and affirming.
This is not the case for groups that include men.
- Groups with men in them often have more trolls.
- Groups with men in them often field romantic and sexual overtures to women regardless of the topic of discussion.
- These groups are not just havens for trolls. Mansplainers also terrorize the comments section, correcting women who aren’t actually wrong by paraphrasing what we say or misinterpreting something that falls within our areas of expertise.
- These groups also tend to have routine misogyny, and most of us get by in the real world a lot and don’t need extra help online.
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Of course, that’s not the only reason I tend to take a hard pass on groups that include men. There are other reasons, which most women know without explaining to me. These are more significant than simply avoiding mansplainers and trolls.
Bear selection, flying alone
First of all, I was not looking for a dating group. Whoever invited me knew this. Furthermore, the rules of the group claimed that it was not actually a dating group (all evidence to the contrary). Still, most of the men who responded to the post seemed primarily interested in a relationship, and most of the women who posted immediately shared that they were looking for a homesteading partner.
Beyond the fact that I don’t intend to join a dating group, there are more important things to consider: safety. women are Select the bear For one reason I don’t like to reveal my location and single status or the details of my daily life to men I don’t know. In a group that focuses on farmsteading as a lifestyle, I will be able to share challenges openly without worrying that anyone will see me as a target.
I’d prefer to talk about household matters except for the brazen misadventures that will surely reach the all-male group. Believe it or not, I’d love tips to make this life easier, but I don’t need a guy to make it happen. with the whole Trade wives movement As it happens, this is very common in mixed groups online. I don’t want to be a trade wife, and I’m not interested in groups where this idea is being promoted.
Yes, I am single and homesteading. No, I’m not looking for a partner. Both things can be true.
A friend of mine tells me that every group for singles who do homesteading is like this. All of them. They are trying to find a partner that fits their lifestyle. It’s just the household farmer. But advertising that way would have been different. I was looking for community, not a love connection.
Better (and safer) community spaces
A friend of mine started a local homesteading group to exchange ideas, resources or tools. It sounds better to me. safe This is definitely not a dating site, thank you. But it’s also about networking with other people to understand how to make things easier for everyone.
Plus, it’s local. We are all dealing with the same climate and weather conditions, and we can more easily share seeds and starter plants with nearby members. It feels like a community space, not a place for people looking for a completely different kind of connection.
While I’m not opposed to dating communities for homesteaders, I just wish they were transparent. single doesn’t necessarily translate looking for It seems difficult for the majority of society to understand.
I started making a post about my living life in this new singles group before I deleted it. I just didn’t want to make comments that weren’t about this lifestyle. I added the post to the local group instead.
Curing a healthy online experience
I strongly believe in curating healthy online experiences. Participating in women-only groups is one aspect of that for me. The world is drowning in the opinions of the Monsphere. It is better to have a place where we are not exposed to that reaction.
My absolute favorite group on social media is probably Burnt Haystack Dating Method by Jenny Young. It’s a women-only space that talks about modern dating using Young’s expertise in applied discourse to help women navigate the troubled waters of dating apps. While I’m not into apps, I find this to be an incredible resource for all relationships. His latest book Burn the haystack It’s on my reading list this summer.
It’s also a good idea to join groups that prioritize transparency. It’s great if people want a place to date partners with common interests. I’m all for that. I just don’t want to be a part of it. When groups are transparent about themselves, we can more easily identify which ones are for us and which ones aren’t
Maybe it should have been clear that a group labeling itself as “singles” meant that it was for people looking for a partnership. I don’t think of being alone that way. I enjoy it. I like my life as it is. I’m not opposed to the idea, but I don’t want to actively seek it out. I’m not interested in dating groups, especially ones that masquerade as something else.
I don’t blame people for looking for connections, but it’s weird to hang out in a group thinking you’ll get gardening and chicken advice, only to realize you’ve entered a dating space where thirst trap selfies are as common as cattle photos.
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This post was Previously published at medium.com.
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Photo credit: Anh tuan to on unsplash
