Missing someone has to be one of the most uncomfortable feelings. Not heartbreaking in a dramatic, movie-scene way. Just… boring. lasting Inconsistent in the most consistent way.
Because I won’t miss you all the time. It’s part of the mess.
I would go for hours feeling completely better. Scrolling through my phone, laughing at dumb things, answering texts, telling myself I’m fine. Like, wow okay, growth. Maybe I’m finally over it.
Then I put the phone down.
And my brain goes, oh. right you.
It hits out of nowhere. Not heavy enough to knock the wind out of me, but heavy enough to take my attention away from everything else. Just this quiet reminder sitting in my chest, yes… you still miss them.
I will also do the most random things. Walking to class with music in my ears, feeling completely in my own world. Not missing anyone. Not thinking about anything deep. Just exist.
Then I sat down. The music stops. The professor began. And suddenly my brain was gone.
I couldn’t tell you a word they were saying because all I could think about was you. Where you are. What are you doing? Is it weird that I don’t know anymore? How there was a time I knew it all without even trying. How I could text you in half a second and hear back. How normal it seemed. And how wrong it seems that it is no longer like that.
That’s what missing someone is all about.
It is not constant pain. It doesn’t cry every day. It is this in-between moment. The quiet ones. Where your brain eventually lands and it reaches someone who lived there.
And the worst part is you can’t force it to stop.
You can be busy. You may confuse yourself. You can convince yourself you’re okay. And maybe you. But the second thing slows down, the feeling shows up again. Not because you are weak. Not because you’re stuck. But because at some point, that person was part of your routine. Part of your safety. A part of how your day is made meaningful.
Unlearning that takes time.
So yes, someone is missing literally suck. Not in a poetic way. Not in a romantic way. Just in this deeply human, inconvenient way that shows up when you’re not ready for it.
But I guess if I’m honest… it means what you experienced is real. And even though it’s uncomfortable, even though it protects you, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
It’s just proof that you care.
And sometimes that is all it is.
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This post was Previously published at medium.com.
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Photo credit: Vitaly Garev at Unsplash
