“Ultra-independence is a coping mechanism we develop when we learn it’s not safe to trust in love or when we fear losing ourselves to others. We are not told to go it alone. We are wounded in relationships and we heal in relationships.” ~ rising woman
Do you think you have to do everything yourself?
Is it difficult for you to ask for and accept help for fear of being disappointed?
Have you ever heard the expression “ultra-independence can be a trauma response”?
If this is you, I get it; That was me too.
Please know there is nothing wrong with you. I spent most of my life this way. This way of being was a survival strategy that kept me safe, but it was very lonely. I live in a constant state concernAnd it exhausted me physically because I thought I had to do everything.
We often become hyper-independent because we don’t trust others and/or we don’t feel worthy of love and support. Or we may believe that by refusing the support of others and acting on our own we will gain love and acceptance because we are not a burden.
Maintaining connections and receiving support from others is a basic human need. If we say we don’t need someone, it often comes from a part of ourselves that wants to protect us from hurt, abuse, criticism, disappointment, or rejection.
Even if we consider the possibility of wanting, needing, and/or receiving support from other people, some of us may say, “No way, it’s not safe,” so we push these thoughts away.
We may think we are weak or too needy if we want something, and that is codependency. But we don’t want to do everything ourselves; There is such a thing as healthy codependency.
Over-independence can also be an extremely unspoken boundary, so learning how to set it can be important healthy border So we can feel safe in situations where we thought we would lose ourselves.
Sometimes we feel the need to be super-independent because we don’t feel safe being vulnerable and letting people in, because if we do, they might see our flaws and insecurities, or they might trigger our unresolved traumas and wounds.
We can carry deep shame, and we don’t want to feel it or see it, so we avoid connecting with other people and getting support from them.
One of the hardest things to understand is that, even though we’ve been hurt in relationships, we can feel a sense of healing and safety in supportive relationships.
It made no sense to me, because in my relationships I often felt criticized, hurt, rejected, and yelled at for normal human feelings and needs.
Part of me wanted support and connection, but another part of me was afraid, because it made my father angry when I asked for something as a child. It was hard to live in a world where I felt alone, believing that I had to do everything on my own while having the support of everyone else and connecting with their family and friends.
For me, being hyper-independent ultimately led to denying and suppressing my needs and feelings because trying to do everything on my own was too overwhelming, especially at such a young age.
I became anorexic at age fifteen, and I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and self-harm for over twenty-three years.
In between, in my twenties, I let my guard down and got a boyfriend, who I thought loved me because he bought me what I wanted, but there were strings attached. He would take back the gifts if I didn’t do what he wanted. He became obsessed with me, waiting outside my house when I wouldn’t speak to him and luring me back with gifts and words of seduction.
This leaves me confused. “Do I only get support and things when I’m someone’s slave?” I am amazed. After I finally broke up with him, I vowed to myself that I would never get anything from anyone again.
I got a chance to fulfill that vow later in life when I visited Palm Springs with a friend. We were playing the slot machine, and he put in $20. I told him, “It’s your money if we win.” We won $200 on the first spin and he told me, “Cash out, you win.”
When I cashed out, I chased him around the casino, trying to pocket the money. I didn’t want to accept from him because I thought, “Then I hate him and he owns me.”
Thankfully, he’s someone I can share anything with and we’ve talked about it. He told me that he knows my struggles, that he wants nothing in return, and that it makes him happy to give to his friends and family. This experience helped me see things differently.
My healing journey really began in my forties when I began to learn to reconnect with myself, my needs and my feelings and begin to heal the trauma I was carrying. I also learned how to ask for support, which wasn’t easy in the beginning; Some people were angry with me, and some people were happy to fulfill my requests and demands.
Instead of blaming and shaming myself for believing I had to do everything myself, I made peace with the part of me that felt it didn’t need anyone. Hearing its fear, I began to understand why it thought I needed to be protected.
It exposed me to the pain of being rejected, hurt and yelled at for having human feelings and needs and not wanting to feel that pain again.
I listened to this part of myself with compassion, I acknowledged and acknowledged the fear and pain it was feeling, thanked it for doing what it was doing, and let it know that it was now loved and safe.
I asked it what it really wanted, and it said, “I want to have a real connection. I want to feel safe and have support from others, but I’m scared.”
This small part of me was stuck in perspective from my childhood trauma and the experiences of the man I was dating. By allowing this part of me to speak and tell me its intentions, I was able to help it/me gain a new understanding and feel loved and safe.
I’m starting to get a more realistic view of who is and who isn’t safe instead of watching no one As safe based on old neuroprogramming stemming from my past trauma, pain and suffering.
Being ultra-independent helped me heal from years of struggling with anorexia, depression, and anxiety. Even after twenty-three years of going in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and doing traditional therapy and nothing working, I finally took my healing into my own hands, and yes, I did most of it on my own.
However, even doing this on my own, I found that it was also helpful to be in a loving and supportive environment with people who didn’t try to fix, control, or save me.
We don’t want or want to be alone, but being alone can be comforting if we fear being hurt by others.
This does not mean that we should be forced to seek and receive support from others, especially if we are afraid; This means we need to develop a loving and caring relationship with ourselves and understand where the need to be ultra-independent is coming from as the first step to getting people in.
A great question to ask yourself is “Why shouldn’t I get support?” Be with that part of you, allow it to show you what it believes, and take the time to listen with empathy. Then ask what it really wants and needs.
Receiving support is not about being completely dependent on others; This is just a setup for disappointment and frustration; Learning how to be independent and get our needs met is also important. It’s not either/or. It’s both.
It is also important to learn how to connect with our feelings and needs and how to communicate and request them.
For example, if you’re going through a challenge and you want support from someone, you might say, “I’m having a hard time right now, and I really want someone I can talk to, who will just listen without trying to change me or my situation. Is that something they’re willing to do?”
If this seems impossible to you, it may help to repeat some affirmations related to letting people in and getting support. If some of this still doesn’t resonate, start with “I like the idea of…” instead of using “I am.”
I deserve support and love.
I deserve to have sincere connections.
Safe for me to have this experience.
I deserve to be seen, heard and accepted.
I deserve to be loved and cared for by myself and others.
I deserve to shine authentically.
I deserve help and support.
You don’t need to earn or prove it. You deserve it just because you are you.
If you shut people out because of your past traumas, like I once did, know that you don’t have to do everything yourself because you were hurt in the past. Some people may let you down, but there are plenty of good people out there who want to love and support you – you just have to let them in.
about Debra Mittler
Debra Mittler A warm and compassionate healer with a unique ability to touch people’s hearts and souls. She enjoys helping others to love and accept themselves unconditionally, feel at peace in their bodies, and live authentically. Debra is a leading authority on overcoming obstacles and allows her clients to experience and listen to their own inner wisdom by holding a space of unconditional love and providing encouragement, effective tools and valuable insight.
