When asked this question most will provide one of these three answers:
- fraud
- fight
- Lack of communication
These are all great answers because they can all have a huge and damaging impact on a relationship. But there is one thing that is big and actually plays a role in all three.
dishonor
Massive disrespect in a relationship can destroy it and create a host of other problems thus acting as something of a relationship quicksand.
The biggest problem with disrespect is that it can exist as a toxic substrate in a relationship and go unnoticed for long periods of time.
Disrespect can be overt but subtle and even non-verbal. And once it becomes frequent it can seem like just the “normal way” a couple relates to each other until it devalues and damages, well, what was once good.
What does unintentional disrespect look like?
“It’s a stupid idea.”
“You won’t be good at it.”
“Don’t try to act like you have a clue.”
We can all probably agree that these are examples of deliberate and blatant disrespect. In fact, these can also be considered examples of verbal abuse.
But what about the unintentional, unspoken kind of disrespect?
Non-obvious disrespectful behavior is actions or comments that seem harmless at first, but can actually do more harm with repetition over time.
- Initiating stressful or delicate conversations at unnecessary times. If your husband is waiting for a call from his boss to hear if his department is being disbanded, and you decide to start asking him why he isn’t being nicer, that’s disrespectful.
What you are communicating by doing this is that her worries and stress are not important. At least not as important as your concerns.
- Confidence is breaking. It’s not spilling deep, dark secrets, but revealing sensitive or embarrassing information that your partner would prefer to keep private.
For example, if your girlfriend has a tattoo in a private area, she may consider it only for your eyes and not want all your friends to know about it.
- Do not pay attention to the conversation or details. We can all get caught up in things and miss the details, but it’s disrespectful to not listen to what your partner has to say on a regular basis.
If you often find yourself saying things like, “I didn’t know that!” or “You never told me!” When your partner says they did, you’re probably guilty of not paying attention. This lack of attention is effectively saying, “I’m too busy for you and I don’t care enough to stop and listen.”
- Crossing or ignoring boundaries. If you know your husband needs time to cool down after a fight, or your wife likes privacy while in the bathroom, and you ignore these things, it’s disrespectful.
We have all been guilty of many of these or similar behaviors at times and by accident. But the lack of malintent does not mean that the behavior is acceptable.
Seeing nonverbal disrespect
Acknowledging nonverbal disrespect can be more complicated. But facial expressions and body language communicate a lot and are often dismissed.
Do you recognize the following behaviors in yourself or your partner?
- Turn your face away when your wife is talking to you.
- Roll your eyes.
- They walk away while still talking to you.
- Disengage from the conversation before it ends.
- Do not communicate your plans.
These are all silent signs of disrespect.
How disrespect will kill your relationship
If any of these situations sound familiar, you’re guilty of being disrespectful. And while they may not cause immediate, obvious problems, the frustration and irritation they create can eventually turn into resentment.
Resentment can and does,
- Stop contact
- Multiple Disrespectful Behaviors
- Causes fragmentation and loss of connectivity
This means you and your spouse will start to grow apart.
And remember the things above that most people say will ruin a relationship? Your relationship is too weak for these things right now.
In other words,
Disrespect -> Resentment -> Increased isolation -> Breakdown in communication -> Fighting -> More disrespect -> Vulnerability fraud.
Not a fantastic trajectory.
What can you do?
easy to say, “Just be more respectful.”
But actually doing this can be much more difficult, especially if the pattern of disrespectful behavior becomes an inherent part of your relationship.
Making a change will require deliberate and conscious effort until the dial is turned enough to make it habitual. This effort is most effective when both partners are on-board and making changes together.
try,
- Gaining each other’s perspective on what each of you finds disrespectful and what makes you feel disrespected. You may not understand the things they are doing that they perceive as a problem.
- Agree on changes that need to be made and new ways to respond or engage
- Be okay with pointing fingers at each other when bad habits return.
And remember, not only you can change your behavior, but the only behavior you can change.
So, even if your partner’s behavior is a problem, you can choose to be respectful. It is much harder to disrespect someone who is consistently respectful to you. It also eliminates the feedback loop – you are rude to me so I will be rude to you.
If you still have problems after trying and disrespecting yourself, you should see a couples counselor. Learning new techniques for communication and interaction can be extremely transformative for a relationship.
No one wants to feel disrespected, so why would you want someone you love to feel like you don’t respect them?
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