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Here’s a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.
One of the things I love about your work is that you really talk about the dynamics of a couple. You shouldn’t be looking for a person to check, check, check in – it’s within a person, it’s within a person. When you say, “Oh, this is my ex,” or “I wish they were like this in five years,” it’s really about how the two of you communicate together.
It’s a very tricky dynamic to predict—what will happen now or in the future. I don’t think people realize, when they’re obsessed with someone who doesn’t want them or doesn’t work with them or isn’t in the same place, how important it is to have someone who knows how to manage you—and who you know how to manage.
Many of the reasons a great relationship exists.
You may have someone who struggles to believe in everything they’ve done in their life. They may meet someone who lacks patience. It’s not on their radar. They don’t get it. They don’t understand it. They don’t have the empathy or generosity of spirit to make room for the fact that you need a little more sensitivity about certain things.
That doesn’t make that person a bad person – but it does make them wrong for you.
And yet, we focus on, “Well, they’ve got this, they’ve got that. They’re my dream man. I’m physically attracted to them.” But we should look for harmony in those areas where we really need it.
Anyone who gets us. Anyone who sees us.
Safe and boring or excited and miserable?
How do we know what those things are – the things that really matter to us in a relationship?
A really good question you can ask yourself is: What was missing last time that, missing it, made you absolutely miserable? It was a kind of hell. What things were missing?
And that doesn’t just mean being in a relationship you couldn’t wait to get out of. I’m talking about those relationships that you’ve been holding on to desperately—the ones that you’ve been white-knuckling, where you’ve thought, “I can’t lose this person.”
When all your bandwidth is taken up trying to get hold of someone, you don’t even think about how unhappy you are. Everyone else in your life can see it. They can see how miserable you are, how anxious you have become, how you are no longer yourself. But what you see is, “I can’t lose this person.”
So when you look back on that relationship, what did you miss? Was it obedience? Was it a true teammate? Was it someone who considered you in their decision? Someone paying attention to your feelings? Someone who meets your needs? Someone who sympathized with you? Someone who truly accepted you for who you were and was comfortable enough to be the most vulnerable version of yourself—rather than constantly assuming something about what you thought would impress them?
When you realize what was missing, it’s incredibly powerful. You can look back at someone you thought you’d die without and see—even though you were desperate to hold on—something was missing that made it impossible to be happy.
And when you know that, you realize something important: Even someone you’re desperate to keep is worthless to you if that important ingredient is missing.
That element becomes the new price of entry into any relationship you ever have again.
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This post was Previously published on YouTube.
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