Three years ago, I delivered my first TEDx talk live at TEDxColePark in Corpus Christi. I flew in and stayed in a rental property. I remember how excited I was to meet the organizers and the team, as well as my incredible fellow speakers.
My personal mission is to be a conduit for love, light, and learning. That is why the theme of the show is “one love” was very fitting for my speech. It aligns with everything I strive for and stand for.
As soon as I got off the stage, many people came up to me and hugged me. With tears rolling down their cheeks, they shared how moving the speech was for them.
At the time, we all thought our talk would be published on the TEDx YouTube channel in a month or two. However, life happens, and this was not possible. I was grateful that I was able to share with a live audience, since impressing one person is also worth it. I have heard directly from many of them that they will remember the lessons I have shared. And speaking at a TEDx event, being a TEDx speaker was a huge achievement and I celebrated that.
But this past November, I went back to Corpus Christi with my girls because the TEDx event organizers decided to film some of the speakers so we could publish our talks!
You can watch my TEDx talk about The Ministry of Presence on YouTube, but I decided to share my TEDx script below – exactly as I wrote it before delivering it live to the audience.
TEDx Talk Description:
Few people truly know what to do, what to say, or how to be when someone they love, lead, or serve is in pain. In this short but powerful TEDx talk, Dr. Elaina Fernandez, a multiple-trauma survivor, researcher and author of the journal Date Your Pain, shares:
1- Her simple 3-step process to help people feel seen, safe and supported in their pain.
2- How we unintentionally invalidate, gaslight or dismiss the pain of others and how to avoid it.
3- Evidence-based principles to bring light and healing to even the darkest moments of unimaginable pain.
TEDx Talk Transcript – What to say when you lead, love or serve someone Alaina Fernandez TEDx Colepark Studio
Pain is the common thread of humanity. And yet, few of us truly know what to do, what to say, or how to be when someone we know is in pain.
I was 19 when, for the first time in my life, I felt seen, safe and supported.
A mysterious woman at a gas station, whose name I still don’t know, taught me what it takes to bring light and healing to even the darkest moments of unimaginable pain.
I saw him get down from his luxury car and walk towards me. I was overwhelmed with shame. She was dressed like Audrey Hepburn, and I was a mess. He smiled lovingly as he covered my nudity with a fancy suit jacket. She pulled me close and held me in a motherly embrace.
With her pearl necklace on my cheek and her soft hands caressing the parts of my scalp where my hair used to be, I could only think of her beautiful dress now covered in my blood.
I had just escaped extreme violence and violation, and, at first, it was so hard to surrender to a love that was so unfamiliar to me.
Her presence sustained me after being kidnapped, brutally raped and almost beaten to death by a stranger. As she embraced me, it was as if we were one. I was obsessed with love.
He passed out soon after the paramedics showed up, and sadly, I was re-traumatized in almost every interaction I had at the police station, the hospital, and finally… the courtroom – and then with my own family and friends.
I experienced what I call “motivational shame.” This is when well-meaning people want to solve your pain with affirmations, reassurances, and advice, and instead dismiss you.
They said, “It could be worse.” “You’ll be fine.” “Everything happens for a reason.”
Yes, he didn’t kill me.
Yes, the pregnancy test was negative.
Yes, he was going to pay for the crime.
But when I heard positive Phrases, I didn’t feel cared for… I felt so alone! I just want to disappear… or die.
Because in the midst of pain, motivation can kill, and validation can heal.
Dr. Peter Levine, several authors A best-selling book on trauma states that “trauma is not what happens to us, but what We put inside In the absence of a sympathetic witness.”
Now, this may come as a shock to you, coming from someone who is known worldwide as a positive mom:
But … when someone is in pain, we must stop being positive. Instead, we must attend.
Regardless of the painful experience, hurt or loss, each of us is capable of blessing the people in our lives that I say.
Ministry of Presence.
And what I’ve learned in my work and my research over the past 3 decades is that there are 3 aspects to being present: safety, silence, and space.
I try to practice these principles when someone I love, lead, or serve is in emotional pain: hold them and hold my tongue. Just like the lady at the gas station.
His loving presence inspires me daily and guides my life and my work with impact-focused leaders, families and organizations around the world.
Hold them and hold your tongue.
That silence and that space are extremely uncomfortable for us, but they can be a lifesaver for another person. I always say, “Safe people save people.”
And what does security look like?
You are a safe person when you resist the natural urge to fix or ease their pain. This is when you focus on your impact, not your purpose.
And when words are needed, Research shows Our influence is strongest when we validate. A secure person accepts and acknowledges someone’s unique experiences and validates them by allowing them to express their feelings.
It sounds like: it wasn’t your fault. It’s okay to cry. i believe you you are not alone Or how can I support you?
Now take a second to think of someone who might be struggling. Write or type their name and decide how you will serve your presence to them. When you hold them and hold your tongue, they will feel truly seen, safe and supported in their pain.
So I want to end with this: You hear that your words are powerful, but so is your silence. Because in silence, you can be present, and that presence is where true love lives.
Blessings!
What is your main takeaway from my TEDx talk about The Ministry of Presence?
Let me know if you have any questions about overcoming motivational shame. It is my prayer that this TEDx talk inspires you
Founder of Positive MOM® and creator of the STORY System: a blueprint for creating and sharing powerful stories that will transform your results and help others do the same. Dr. Alaina Fernandez A single mother of 4, an award-winning storyteller, story strategist and student of pain. He is a best-selling author, internationally acclaimed keynote speaker and 5x TEDx speaker. He has spoken at the United Nations, received the President’s Volunteer Lifetime Achievement Award, and been elected Top influential leaders and a Dominant woman By Success Magazine. Connect with Elaina thepositivemom.com/ef And follow @thepositivemom. To receive a gift from Elaina, Click here.
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