A hard thing that happens to me regularly that I’ve never said before.
Just happened again this morning.
A lot of men send me friend requests on Facebook, which is great in general, since I’m a relationship coach who works with men, women, and couples.
I only accept requests from men who:
1. I have many friends in common (whom I know and respect).
And
2. Those who have a thoughtful profile.
or
3. Those who write me a nice note.
However, it often happens that when I accept a request, the guy decides to “love” all my “pretty” or “sexy” pictures and maybe “sexy!” by commenting On some of them.
Or, he can go and “like” every post I write that has a cute picture with it, in a time frame that shows he probably didn’t read them.
When this happens, I feel frustrated and scared. Being treated so blatantly as a sex object is frightening. It’s overwhelming because I’m not sure how far he can go.
Most of the time, I unfriend the person immediately and hope they stop paying attention to me.
Although today I decided to get engaged.
Besides “love” many of my photos and comments are “sexy!” In one, this guy sent me a friendly message, which said “Nice to meet you” and included what appeared to be a website for his business.
An old photo of me, which got a “sexy” comment from my new friend
So I thought it might be possible to share the impact his actions had on me and have a helpful and insightful discussion for both of us.
“Hello! So, by the way, I get a little scared when you go and ‘like’ all my photos and I don’t like it.”
His response?
“Lol, come on…!”
I said “This reaction is making it worse.”
And then he went on a speech about how as a “yoga and tantra teacher, seriously?! (he didn’t get my profession quite right)) you should enjoy this sort of thing.” He said he was “just being spontaneous, having some fun.”
The message was clear:
I shouldn’t be feeling the way I was feeling.
He left me a short voice message which I was shocked to hear.
Then he said, “I hope you find some peace.”
I realize that my communication was not the most efficient here. It wasn’t the easiest thing for me to do in the midst of the energy I was feeling (more on that later).
And yet what struck me most was that I found no sympathy, no curiosity, and no attempt to take responsibility for the effects of his actions. The message I got from his response was that I wasn’t being a good sport, I wasn’t ‘fun’, I wasn’t the image he projected of me, and therefore I was letting him down, and that was all my problem.
——–
I’ve read a hundred clever articles shaming men for their actions, and I can feel the pain that makes writing like this tempting. But I’m not here for that.
I believe the surprise of today’s “inappropriate liker” was genuine in response to my pushback.
And I also understand that we fail to teach our youth, especially boys, about emotional awareness, communication skills, and healthy relationships. So how can I expect him to respond with compassion, to address my fears with presence and care?
What’s more, we were two strangers on the Internet, without the ability to read faces or emotional tone, which made challenging exchanges extra difficult.
And yet this interaction, and many similar experiences of me being a beautiful object for beautiful pictures at the request of a friend, moved me quite deeply.
———
Over the course of my life, I have faced daily harassment walking down the street, driving my car and being out anywhere. In California, in broad daylight, men have followed me down the street barking or blowing loud kisses. I’m afraid to look both ways when crossing the street if there’s a man behind me, lest he think I’m looking at him and follow me.
I stopped looking anyone in the eye and kept my head down while walking, possibly increasing my danger, but it was better than the inevitable leer or lewd comments that an accidental eye contact would reveal.
At stoplights, the men in the car next to me rolled down their windows to make unsolicited sexual comments.
In southern France, walking home from office work, men follow me down the street to whisper “prostitute,” or ask if I want to marry.
I stopped wearing heels so I could run, and I took a cross-body purse. I made sure to sit next to women on public transport.
And compared to what I’ve heard from other women, my experiences have been pretty tame.
A current photo
Whenever I brought up what felt like a daily battle, these were the standard responses:
“Well maybe you should dress differently” (blame the victim)
“Enjoy it while it lasts” (This is from my mom)
“I’d love it if women did this to me” (this from 2 male friends, after expressing exhaustion and fear from chasing stalkers every day in a particularly tough neighborhood).
———
In this recent online interaction, the energy felt the same — making me think I’m the problem, I’m crazy, how dare I object to a man just calling himself “himself.”
It’s hard to get across to others who have never experienced how pervasive, relentless and dehumanizing it is.
The message I get is that I don’t matter as a person. Not my thoughts, feelings, or achievements. Only my body matters, and it’s for men.
I myself have traveled all over the world. And in taxicabs (driven by men) around the world I get asked the same question: “Are you married?”
The focus is relentless: Men shared their challenges with me on multiple levels — being very vision-oriented and being expected to follow and initiate.
So today when I stepped outside the box and said “I’m scared when you do this,” I realized that it exploded every expectation of how these interactions should go.
I understand that my pushback can be surprising and challenging.
I also understand why I didn’t get what I wanted to say in a way that was heard and understood. It took a lot of courage for me to speak up and I was already shaking when I decided to do it.
But I am determined to do better in this regard.
With the “inappropriate liker” from today, I went back to screen shots of our interactions and the likes he made on my photos, but all traces of him had disappeared. Unfortunately I don’t have study record.
I do what I do because the only way for me is through: I want to listen, to understand, to empathize. As I speak about my own experiences and ask for compassion, understanding, and healing, I do my best to embody the same qualities of compassion and listening that I seek in others. (Although I understand that not everyone has the resources or security to do this).
This ability demands a great deal of awareness in the face of strong emotions, something that takes practice, dedication, resilience and the finesse of knowing how and when to open up in the face of attack.
And these qualities are often not taught or valued in our culture.
Yet if our only response to a perceived threat is to defend and fight, an escalating war will surely ensue. On the other hand, finding the courage to open up and be curious about what the other person might be feeling and needing (while taking care of yourself) – now that takes a real, deep inner strength.
And the power of vulnerability leads to what we all say we’re longing for — true connection, and the opportunity to give all those “likes” and “loves” in a way that feels great.
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This post was Previously published on Jessica Gold’s blog.
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Photo credit: iStock
