Me and my friends are hanging out. We are a group of divorced women. We are looking for our way. It’s fun, crazy, a little chaotic, and sometimes frustrating. Dating was more enjoyable when we were younger.
Dating after a divorce is a little less fun.
A friend of ours has a relationship dilemma.
He reveals to us.
Everyone entered.
i am waiting There is a reason for this. I realize I’m a bit of a hypocrite. My words are worth it. They are well-earned, well-advised and well-researched.
I am a relationship expert.
I’ve been a source for national outlets, written a column, spent years in counseling and research, and more.
But here’s the thing…
i am human I’m not perfect, I’m like the nurse who smokes. I know all about research, information, and knowledge. I can be less of that in my own personal life.
Why?
It’s all that boring ‘family of origin’ stuff.
What is ‘family of origin’?
We grew up in separate houses.
This is the primary environment where we learn love. This is where our relationship is built. These family members and interactions dictate the types of people, and relationships we gravitate towards.
How did my family of origin shape me?
My father passed away when I was 5 years old. He was a loving and funny guy. He was also a man who never got over drinking. My mother was a Steady AD. He was an amazing single parent of five children.
I lived in a house full of love.
But I saw one parent who had an addiction and another who loved and enabled him. My father was a lover, not a fighter but he couldn’t stop drinking.
When I started marriage counseling, I asked the psychologist a question.
“I know it’s about me,” I said. “What is it about me that makes me choose the man to marry?”
I’m married to someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
“Not everything is textbook,” said my marriage counselor. “But you had a father who abandoned you physically, and you married someone who abandoned you emotionally.”
Let me summarize my original family.
I am attracted to emotionally unavailable men.
Men that I am unable to count.
I know it.
I am educated on this subject. I work to stay aware of it. I want to make better choices. I shy away from dating situations that have red flag indicators.
My disturbing experience with a man with narcissistic personality disorder made me resist dating. Ironically, it also made me emotionally unavailable.
Forget the smoking nurse analogy for a moment.
Let’s say I’m the personal trainer who hides the candy.
Again, we know the facts. We know what is good for us and what is not. We know what we should eat. We know how often we should work. We know it all.
But…
Here we go again.
There is a difficult thing called ‘the human condition’.
There are extremes.
Experts who live, breathe and die by their skills. And then we know those who know exactly what is healthy, and what is unhealthy but sometimes confused.
I am fully aware of how I struggle to overcome my relationship patterns.
I am self-aware.
It is my curse.
I see all my shortcomings.
Let’s get back to my girlfriend’s relationship situation.
I withheld my response to his hesitation. I realized that it might not land well. Especially after being on the run for the past few years. I am living my best ‘healthy and not so healthy life’.
Can you blame me?
I waited a decade to go out again.
I gave my emotions/pain/relief/escape…you get the idea.
Maybe not my best look, aka, cigarette smoking nurse.
I finally insert my two cents.
My friends look at me. Their faces cannot contain their surprise. But I hope this. They don’t see me as the woman who spent years building her skills.
They see me as the nurse who has been panting for the past two years.
They see the guy/dating/relationship mistakes I’ve made.
They see the woman who is afraid of commitment. They see the woman who is still working through her problems. They see the woman who recently committed to online dating who still manages to cancel dates.
Even on a hot guy that I totally regret now.
I waded into the shallows of the dating pool.
I gave my take on my friend’s relationship dilemma.
I know what I say.
Not what he wants to hear. But deep down she knows it’s true. When we seek this type of relationship advice, we often recognize the red flags that are waving at us.
We sense something is not right.
We understand that something in the relationship is not healthy.
But each of us has our own unique family. We all have childhood experiences that shape our relationship behaviors and preferences.
I am a relationship expert.
I can diagnose it.
Even if I look like a smoking nurse.
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This post was Previously published at medium.com.
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Photo credit: Igor Rand on Splash
