I have one thing very bad – waiting. As a lawyer I am bad at waiting for big events at work, big deadlines to arrive, big assignments to pass. As a runner, I’m bad at waiting for big runs and watching them come.
Basically, I’m bad at waiting for many elements of life beyond my control, and I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could just get on with my life and not do that.
I don’t just sit around waiting, but with a big meeting or review with the boss, I sometimes anticipate the worst. I think about all the horrible things that could happen, the catastrophic ways I can only dismiss. The actual probability of this is closer to .0001% every time, but my mind races, and it’s absurd to always think about the worst thing that could happen.
Part of this, I think, is a trauma response based on past experiences of being hypervigilant and very aware of worst-case scenarios. Of course, the worst has happened in my life, so I think my mind is prepared.
I think it’s a way to calibrate happiness – if the worst doesn’t happen, then of course I’m happy. I could have gotten a very average or low-average result, but just glad it wasn’t a disaster.
I guess you could call it catastrophizing and a form of self-sabotage. Right now, I’m looking forward to major next steps in my career. I’m also looking forward to seeing if I can run a 2:25 marathon in the fall.
. . .
The biggest thing that helps me look forward is staying in the present moment. This moment, this moment, where I’m doing the dishes, writing, folding clothes or doing many small tasks, is just as important as the big meeting. I would say part of it is being distracted, but part of it is also staying present in the moment, loving the journey rather than the end.
The sun rises the next day, and there is still a life left. It helps when other people are around, like nights and weekends, when my wife and I spend time together watching TV or going on adventures.
I think there’s a difference between waiting for something I can’t control. I’m currently waiting to get in better shape after five weeks of running 100 or more miles per week, and even though I’ve done all the right things, I don’t know if fitness will actually come.
I think it’s essential to embrace uncertainty and not know. I never know what’s going to happen or how a meeting is going to go. I never knew anything would happen, and someone like me, prone to anxiety, could easily freak out about all the ways things could go wrong, all the ways I could waste my time.
I think it’s very important to just have fun and be, and for me, it’s also very important to not be isolated and try to be social. I think I’m someone who doesn’t do well with this isolation, so I don’t know. I could correct every mistake I made, but I know that’s not helpful either. I need to think only about the things I can control and leave the rest to God’s will.
. . .
It was a nerve racking time waiting to see if I passed the bar exam. My mind often goes through some bad situations. I thought about how I could not keep my legal job and be a lawyer in the place I had worked so hard for the past eight months. The hardest part was the three months between the test and getting the results. I had no control over the outcome at that point, and I didn’t want to jinx the outcome.
To distract myself from work, for the past four weeks, I ran 100 miles a week. These 100 miles have helped me take the next step in my training as a marathon runner, as I try to qualify for the 2028 or 2032 Olympic Trials. Having multiple, simultaneous things in my life is essential, but focusing on the journey rather than the destination It’s not about running 100 miles a week, but the ability to enjoy each run, new routes and experiences.
I want to return to the quote at the beginning of this article. A life that happens when you wait for moments that never come. The truth is I could never run a 2:25 marathon. I could never have the career I wanted.
And even if both of these happen in the next year, I will not be satisfied at the end of the day. I’ll be happy for a week, and then move on to the next thing. The happiness that these things would give me would only be fleeting. All I know is that I am and always have been. That doesn’t mean I won’t keep swinging, work hard, and hope and dream for the best, but there’s more to it than chasing ambition.
From this scene her, Two police officers, Jimmy McNulty and Lester Fremon, discuss Jimmy’s obsessive connection to the case, his willingness to work every weekend, his willingness to sacrifice his personal life and his worst tendencies toward alcoholism and womanizing. Lester tells Jimmy that he needs a life outside of work because the case is over and at the end of it, Jimmy will feel empty.
So, the best solution is to have a life. I don’t know what that means at times, beyond my ambitions in a professional and personal way. I know where I find the most in life — connections. It’s spending time on an adventure with my wife, going for a run with a friend, or chatting with a colleague at the office. For me, a life is not meant to be lived in isolation, but to be lived in community. I think this is something I can do better instead of going on my solo run or working in the office.
In the past, I was very dependent on others for my happiness or to run. I tried to get better at solitude and succeeded, and now I do most of my runs alone and sit for long periods of time with my thoughts. But maybe I got too good.
And in this season of waiting, I don’t know if I can stop obsessing and being nervous. But I know it needs to be spent connecting with others.
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This post was Previously published in The Partnered Pen.
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