I’mHas always been beautiful. Not as in “the most beautiful woman in the room”, but as in “I have options” as beautiful. Well, not always. I definitely had my ugly phase (we all do). But I’m blessed with big green eyes and long thick hair, so I’ve never had a shortage of men ready, willing and able to date me. I don’t think my experience is all that unusual.
My father taught me through his work that my worth is tied to my appearance, so I’ve been wearing makeup since I was 11 years old. I wrote more about it here (with pictures):
But despite what the lyrics would have you believe, she knows she’s beautiful. How does he know? Well, for one, men make allowances for that. I remember one time my dad and I were rear ended at a stop light near my house. My father got angry. like a cheat He was ready to fight. Then he got out of the car and discovered that it was a beautiful young thing that had accidentally hit us.
Suddenly he wasn’t angry at all. He was joking with her, acting like it was no big deal. I don’t think they exchanged insurance information.
A similar allowance has been made for me. i notice We all notice. Everyone around us notices. It’s been studied and written about—it’s called beautiful privilege.
It is almost impossible to be beautiful and not know. Yes, some of us fake humility – that’s how stupid songs like She doesn’t know she’s beautiful And what makes you beautiful Sorry to get written off, Sammy, if she’s pretty enough that everyone stops to stare when she walks into a room — she knows.
And such niceties are usually (but not always) intentional. Makeup, hair, clothes are all designed to attract attention. I certainly used to be that kind of nice. Subtle makeup, loose casual hair, sexy clothes but not enough to look like I wanted to say. It was a very choreographed dance to be cute without looking like I was trying, and I’ll be absolutely humble.
I say all this, just to give you some background. IYKYK as the kids say. And I know, because I’ve had several men tell me of their undying love in my time.
I’ve had men try to string me along, but I just closed that door because I had options and I’m not looking back. I have friends who allow themselves to be strong because they don’t think they have anything better to offer. They take bits and pieces of his attention and spin them into a yarn about how he’s “just not ready” or “has been hurt before”.
I can assure you, though, that if you’re not a man’s passionate first choice, being alone is the best offer.
Having been the passionate first choice of multiple men, I can tell you that shit goes down fast. He is ready to start talking long-term within a few dates. He does that time. He replied to the text.
He prioritizes you.
He’s Just Not That Into You
I’m glad I stumbled upon the book He’s Just Not That Into You In my late teens. It made me impersonal when a man showed me he wasn’t that into me. Chapters are labeled like, “If He Doesn’t Call You Back, He’s Not That Into You.” Then it spells out in plain English — a guy who wants to call you back, will. If He is in you, He will move heaven and earth to make that call. hard stop There are no extenuating circumstances – unless he dies.
When men fall, they fall hard, and they fall fast.
Sometimes there is a friendship that turns into something more. But even then he’s usually clocked you before you know it. All I know is that if he doesn’t show his love for you – at least through his actions – then he’s not into you. Lines about not being prepared and being scared because he’s been hurt before will keep you on the hook.
He doesn’t see a possibility of forever with you, but he wants someone to be with him until he meets her. You are good enough now Ms. Whatever you do, don’t take it personally. But, for heaven’s sake, stop giving him access to you. And not as punishment, but as self-respect.
We all get lonely. I won’t judge you if you let him come for a booty call – but only if your pleasure comes first. Are you letting her come late at night just to get her? Please turn it off. He is using you. He is probably using more than one woman. cut him off
I mean it. Block him now. i will wait
A man who is genuinely interested
My youngest son is still on dating apps even though I advise him against it. We all have to learn in our own way, so I just grab a bucket of popcorn and watch the play.
He would go out with several women and then tell me about each of their good qualities. “I like Cindy because we have a lot to talk about.” “I like Jennifer because she also likes to work, so we can do it together.”
And finally I ask him, “Which of them do you like? Who do you talk to the most?” And so far the answer has always been that none of them are really that different. None caught his attention.
The truth is that if he met “the one”, he still wouldn’t talk to all of them. The rest will fall because he will be attracted to one in particular. I taught him well. He doesn’t string women with whom he doesn’t see a future. He makes a clean break, lets them know he’s not feeling it, and gives them space to find someone who does feel that way about them.
Anyone who doesn’t do this is selfish at best, a predator at worst. And you’re eating the crumbs she leaves for you like she’s not just a walking, talking, red flag.
My son fell in love in high school. He didn’t feel the same. They were “best friends”. I always ask her – do you feel the same way about xxx as you do about her? It wouldn’t be quite the same, obviously, but he wouldn’t have to talk himself into returning her calls and taking her out for the weekend. He will die, as he did with his high school sweetheart.
Which brings me to another point. Most men have experienced something similar. They fell in love. It didn’t work out with her for one reason or another and she’s still thinking about him. He still hadn’t gotten over her.
But she still wants sex. So he’s still trying to date. But until she recovers from that, she will never be fully available to you. If you know this woman by name, she’s not into you.
My ex-girlfriend once told him that if he ever cheated, he better not be with me. Why would he say that? Apparently he had talked enough about me that he not only knew my name, but also knew enough that he would take the opportunity when it presented itself. Thank God for all involved, I am driven by thoughts.
The wrong kind of attention
The boy’s attention seems different. It’s a little more confident. A little too scattered. When he has a phone full of options, you might get his full attention for the few minutes he’s trying to get a piece, but other than that, you’ll walk around feeling confused, wondering if you should hold out hope. The answer is no. You shouldn’t.
Surrender to God, you will never be confused with the man who is truly inside you. It won’t. He doesn’t want to lose you, so he’ll make sure you know how he feels. He will make himself available, not because you request him, but because he wants time in your presence.
Then there are the narcissists. I knew someone who told me he loved me at one point. He told me what I was wearing the first time we met. This was his move. He memorized what his next victim was wearing as a sort of proof that the moment he was taken was etched in his mind. Fortunately, the attraction was not reciprocated and I walked away unscathed. But it made me wonder how many women would be confused, thinking that he actually remembered what he was wearing the first time they spontaneously met instead of a manipulation.
I knew another narcissist whose move was to text her on her birthday. He has a Rolodex (you youngsters can google it 😜) of women with birthdays he would consider sleeping with. So he was happy when he texted them out of the blue two years after they last spoke. It’s disarming. And he is a confirmed abuser.
Please don’t buy this kind of flattery. Those who use it are the worst of them all.
The truth about men’s timelines
Rumors about men committing “so long”? they lie When a man meets a woman he wants to spend his life with, he knows almost immediately.
To be fair, sometimes he is thinks He knows, but once he spends more time with her, he realizes she’s not him. We all have some variation of this screening process. If he’s totally into you, and then pulls back, it’s either A) he’s a narcissist who love-bombed you, or B) he’s lost (or is losing) interest.
In either case, let him go. You don’t want to waste another minute on a person who isn’t feeling it anymore, no matter what. Don’t torture yourself with how perfect everything has been up until this moment. It was still new. Of course it felt perfect. You can ask him if anything has changed, but chances are he won’t tell you. He will just withdraw.
Again – don’t take it personally. Easier said than done, I know, but you make the same decisions about the men you’re interested in. Remember that guy you liked for a minute but then he did something that gave you the eek? You gave him the ick. it happens Nothing you do will give “your person” the ick (especially not in those early days!) so rest assured that he wasn’t just your person.
Let me say – you will never meet Mr/Ms Right if you are constantly looking for Mr/Ms Wrong.
It only takes one.
I’ve dated a lot of men and I know that our hormones make us want to find a partner. It’s actually so crazy when you hit menopause and the desire dries up—at least for men who aren’t fully committed to being equal partners. That’s why you see women my age opting out, writing articles about why it’s not worth it, and trying to warn younger women (which is a losing battle until the hormones stop flowing).
The truth is very few people are worth your time, energy and god forbid tears. Many men don’t even realize that every woman is completely different, with completely different likes and dislikes. Many are just trying to get the most beautiful woman they will ever have. Men are not taught to connect, so their radar is based on superficial qualities only. Not all men. But af*** tons of them (yes that’s the scientific measure).
I’ve even read books and watched romcoms where the man hooks up, and falls in love, with a woman who isn’t stereotypically attractive. He must then undergo a complete personality transformation as he falls in love with a woman who is not going to impress his friends. Really, gross.
Maybe it works in the movies, but a man who is genuinely more interested in how he looks than how he feels is not your person. Even if he “changes”, it’s unlikely that the changes will stick. Everyone seems to love a Jerry Maguire movie. All I see is a self-centered man who doesn’t get what he wants. So he makes a great gesture for her. The movie ends, but story after story goes something like this — he falls for her because of the flattering grand gesture and then she’s upset because he just wanted her because he couldn’t have her. She was the first woman to say no to him. Once he “wins” her yes, he’ll come back.
Be with the man who knows and shows you, from the beginning that he sees you as his forever. Although these feelings may fade, the person who is yours forever will feel this way from the start.
And if you are not that person? I can assure you it is better to be alone.
