“If you don’t give your mind and body a break, you’ll break. Stop pushing yourself through pain and fatigue and take care of your needs.” ~Laurie Deschene
In November 2021, my autoimmune problems flared up. My doctor and I still weren’t sure which of my conditions—rheumatoid arthritis or fibromyalgia—was the culprit, or if they were acting in cahoots, but the overall pain and debilitating fatigue were a solid indication that something was more active than usual.
I would wake up tired, need sleep, and often run out of spoons—a phrase familiar to many with chronic conditions, based on a fantastic essay “spoon theory” by Christine Miserandino.
Although I don’t know the reason, one thing that was certain was that my body was demanding rest.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to just relax?
I mean it.
Knowing I needed rest didn’t give me the immediate ability to pull it off.
I’ll sit down to watch a show and try to multitask myself. Or I’ll try to stop sleeping like an unruly baby. Instead of throwing myself on the floor in a fit of rage, I was trying to “push” so I could finish typing an email or put a load of laundry in the dryer.
Even with a body and brain that was crying out for rest, it was hard to let myself do it. In the end, I had to rearrange myself to be able to rest by implementing rest periods and rest periods.
Those of us in the western world, especially here in the US where I live, are programmed to be productive. We are told—and we tell ourselves—all the things we should do to stay busy. We are “supposed” to do all kinds of things, from jobs to jobs.
We are conditioned from a young age to be productive and busy. We hear people say “When I die I will rest” and “There is no rest for the weary.” We are called to “pay our dues” and “use.”
If we’ve somehow been fortunate enough to avoid overt messages about being busy and working hard, most of us have received those messages indirectly from the people in our lives.
We’ve seen our parents come home from work with arms full of grocery bags, only to fix dinner while putting the groceries away for them. Or we were asked what we were doing and felt wrong if the answer to our question was a child’s honest “nothing”.
Long after dinner, once everything was cleaned or tidied up and it was “time to rest,” we saw our parents doing extra work, both paid and unpaid. Or we saw them knitting, ironing or puttering around the house.
We are told that we must “work hard”. successful. That “nothing good comes easy.” We should not stop when we are tired, but only when we are “done”.
Sitting and resting are not preferred. Those who decide to rest often must justify it: they have to acquired Right to rest.
Rest is not just sleep, although sleep is a big part of it. This includes sitting comfortably doing nothing.
This could mean listening to music or watching TV or meditating. Or perhaps working quietly on a jigsaw puzzle or craft or reading a book or article. Maybe playing solitaire, or looking out the window, or journaling.
In the fall, when I was struggling with my autoimmune flare, I felt like I should rest more. I was so used to overriding my body’s signals that I didn’t realize how far I’d pushed myself.
When I tapped into how my mind and body were truly feeling, I was surprised that my mind and body were on the verge of collapse.
I waited to notice what was happening until I got to the point where I couldn’t get too many things done in a day. A banner day during that time might involve a single load or doing laundry or cooking dinner for my husband and I.
I was so fixated on being busy that I could no longer honestly assess my need to be busy. I lost the ability to tune into my body to figure out if it needed to move and stretch or even stretch and sleep.
If I had continued on for much longer, I’m sure I would have gotten sick. As it was, I was dealing with brain fog, fatigue, and both joint and muscle pain, all of which made life unpleasant.
It’s easy to see now that I should never have let things get to that point, but exhaustion and pain and brain fog have a way of combining with you so that you can’t clearly evaluate anything. Still, when I reached the edge of fall, I realized that some serious rest was in order.
I basically cleared my calendar for at least three weeks. I cleared my work calendar of appointments, scheduled some short blog posts and emails, and took the time.
It was torture at first.
For one thing, my husband was still up and heading out into the world to teach Tai Chi and Qigong classes, so he was modeling “correct” work behavior. For another, I discovered that I was unable to “just rest.”
I had to relearn how to listen to discover what my body needed.
I had too Reprogram my thoughts About rest as an innate right that we all possess, and not a reward for productivity.
I actually had to learn how to do it is
I did all the things listed earlier as forms of relaxation, from sleeping to doing puzzles to sitting quietly. It was ridiculously hard.
I almost had to force myself to limit myself to single-tasking, which is doing one thing at a time. This was especially difficult if the task was mechanically simple, such as watching a television show. My inner loner would kick in, chastising me for “just sitting there,” telling me to “be productive.”
In those moments when I decided that relaxation meant watching a movie on TV, I would sometimes sit with my hands on my phone to make sure I didn’t reach for a crossword puzzle or something. I often put my phone on silent and deliberately put it in another room, just to reduce temptation.
Full disclosure: Even after taking positive action on single-tasking, I didn’t always manage. However, I have learned through reinforcement that nothing is likely to happen within an hour or two that requires me to give up rest and take immediate action.
I realized that in many ways, I was retraining my nervous system to relax myself. It was so used to being in a state of alertness that it became a habit to rest and retire at times.
What I learned when I started budgeting rest into my days was that I could more easily start to tell what signals my body was sending. It became easier to have a conversation with my brain and body to find out how they were feeling and what they needed.
Put it this way it sounds a little isolated, but I’ve never felt more integrated than I do now. At any given moment, I can pause, tap into what I’m feeling (emotionally and physically), and work on my own needs in a way that’s more nurturing and caring than ever before.
When I realize I’m losing focus on a project—perhaps while typing a blog post or planning a workshop—I don’t push anymore. Instead, thanks to months of practice, I pause and check in with my brain and body. Thanks to practice, I can quickly determine if I need to take a simple break, get up for a walk, go outside, or stop for the day.
I’m learning to embrace that idea Rest is an innate right, not something to be earned. It’s no longer something that just happens once I’ve pushed myself to the point of collapse.
As it turns out, the more rest I lean into and build into my days, the more energy I have to actually accomplish the things I want to do in life.
When I add rest or breaks into the day, I find that my focus is better when I need to work on a task. When I incorporate rest into my days, I have the energy to exercise in the morning and cook a good meal for dinner.
I invite you to join me in adding real breaks to your day, where you do nothing “productive.” No catching up on phone calls or emails or texts—just relax. I’d love to hear if it works for you and how.
about Kelly Ramsdell
Kelly Ramsdell is the founder and CEO of Actual-i-Can, Inc., which helps people reclaim their lives and redesign them with aligned ease. He has written two ebooks, 12 tips to help you sleep And Reduce your anxiety To help people in this difficult time. get them actually-i-can.comor follow Insta, Facebookor Twitter.
