Avoidance is a battle between self-preservation and self-effacement: but you don’t have to fight
There is a big difference between actively protecting yourself from danger and choosing to do nothing because you might get hurt. that can Self-defense does a lot of the heavy-lifting in avoidance. Your protection can protect you from actually growing and experiencing life. And that’s worse than the growing pains you fear.
The truth is that CKD is the exact moment many pet owners consider putting down or giving up a pet — they can’t afford the treatment, nor can they prolong their own suffering or the cat’s perceived suffering. Most of the time, actual maintenance of the disease will keep your cat pain-free. Even at its worst, your cat is just uncomfortable, not in actual physical pain. There is an expectation that they will have a decent, even good, standard of living.
So, what’s better? To love or die? Loved and lost, or died without ever bothering, never really tried, letting fear trap you in your bed?
As life goes on, I’ve learned that doing nothing makes me restless. It makes me want to experience more. That means I can get hurt. I’m not a test subject, I can’t control every variable. All I can do is find a way to lick my wounds if they ever develop.
Many avoiders are mostly afraid of themselves, their own intensity. They fear rumours, the inability to feel and metabolize pain or loss, not being able to predict whether they will leave in time. They are afraid of not knowing how to properly exit the stage because they are not sure if they can follow a direction, so they never join a theater group.
But avoidance is like a muscle, and avoidance is to strengthen the pump. The more you dodge, the more evasion you will have. Until you become a wasteful fellow. It’s a downward spiral.
Mental control, then, is like a muscle. The more you learn to sit through your feelings, then pick yourself up and move on, the greater your capacity for good and bad emotions. Boundaries then are not things you have to impose on others, they are your internal alarms, and you follow them to exit the stage. You must first install an alarm to hear it. You have to believe yourself when you hear it for the first time. Then, you run. As long as the alarm goes off, you’re safe.
It can make you worry about that alarm, because you don’t trust it to run on time. But anytime you are right. This is a real boost for people with avoidant or anxious personalities: You’ll realize you’ve grown up when you’re not looking at an alarm or a clock, but paying attention to how everything feels inside and what you’re feeling outside. You’re not waiting for the other shoe to drop, you’re just living. Then, your mind begins to open, and you learn not to be embarrassed by will.
It is a completely individual process. That’s the big but here. You can’t force an avoidant to see the light, they have to be sober long enough to notice. But you can be calm and steady yourself. Recognize those looking for an alarm, and decide not to see it yourself. Observe them, but let them do what they want. That’s what worked for me.
My husband and I didn’t force each other to text, call or go on dates. It was automatic in a way that it is rarely for avoiders. We never miss each other’s calls or texts, even if we both occasionally find ourselves ghosting our families on WhatsApp. But we felt awfully safe because we both admitted that we each had an alarm, but we weren’t waiting for it to go off. We were looking at each other, like we were dancing, listening to our own and the other’s bodies. We stepped forward, then stepped back—together. There is no play at either end.
In many ways loving my husband has taught me to be vulnerable. I know what to do in moments. I will plan a future but not let my whole life fail. My entire belief system. This means, yes, you can get hurt. But have you seen the little buggers learning to ride their little tricycles in the park? They fall five times and still rise six. They bleed, then laugh and get back on that damned tricycle.
There are legitimate fears, but there is life beyond that. And it is possible, if they try.
