“People-pleasing can be more than a personality trait; it can be a response to serious trauma.” ~ Alex Bachart
Growing up in a home, school, and church that placed a high value on good behavior, self-discipline, and corporal punishment, I was an ideal child. Could be an American Girl doll designed after me – the nineties version of the well-mannered church girl with hair bows.
I was cool and pleasant and was never sent to the principal’s office. Grievances and “ugly” emotions were simply not allowed. Although I was very naughty and “rebellious” as a young child, it all faded from my personality by the time I was school-aged.
I had no choice. I felt insecure in my body at the slightest hint of someone being upset with me. At least that was enough to quell my inner rebel for many years.
I carried this pattern into adulthood. I found myself on the job with supervisors who would close the handle at every opportunity. I worked harder than anyone else to avoid trouble. When my colleagues yelled at their mistakes, they laughed under their breath – but when the anger was directed at me, I became concerned.
How can my colleagues get rid of our manager’s anger, but I Feel the trigger A few hours later?
It took me years to learn the answer—some of us develop a deep-seated fear of losing our sense of belonging and security in our relationships from a young age. To deal with this fear, we develop self-defense strategies, which for some people become pleasurable habits.
People-pleasers have a clear common denominator—feeling for others. You put your own needs first and feel obligated to manage everyone else’s happiness. You are hypersensitive to judgement, shame and rejection. You worry about what other people think about you. You overextend yourself to be helpful. When you dare to stand up for yourself, you suffer from anxiety and guilt.
When you don’t address and change these patterns, you can end up feeling resentful, frustrated, and angry. It compromises your mental and physical well-being and contributes to overwhelming feelings of powerlessness.
And it lights a burning fire under your ass.
Because we are not responsible for manipulating other people’s emotions.
We owe no one comfort.
We are not charitable receptacles for others’ emotionality, unhealthy trauma, or misdirected anger.
Our time, energy, and well-being are not up for negotiation.
And we don’t deserve guilt-tripping manipulation.
Honestly, we can’t control how other people see our relationships, but we can change our patterns of powerlessness and take back our lives, and it doesn’t have to compromise our genuine desire to care for others.
Brain Roots
It’s not a mystery that instead of shouldering the burden of responsibility, what you should do is people-pleasing.
you need Set boundariesTell your truth, be more assertive, use your voice to advocate for yourself, separate your feelings from others and put your needs first.
Which begs the question – what’s going on in the way of taking these steps?
Although you may feel the need to change your patterns through sheer willpower or more self-discipline, this is not the answer.
You don’t need to read useless books about how to “take life by the horns” or “grow some balls” (yikes, gross!).
You don’t need to muscle through debilitating anxiety or guilt.
You don’t need to sacrifice kindness or compassion to take back your power in a one-sided relationship.
You don’t need to be “thick-skinned” or less “sensitive.” (Your sensitivity is a gift)
Here’s a little-known fact about people-pleasing—it’s a learned pattern that gets “triggered” over and over again in your unconscious mind.
Whether avoiding conflict, freezing when you need to speak the truth, or feeling guilty, people-pleasing is a survival strategy. And all are a set of survival strategies automatic Behaviors, thoughts, and emotions that repeat over and over again unconsciously.
In a sense, you’re not entirely in control of how your people-pleasing habits appear. The reason that just “trying harder” doesn’t work is because you can’t beat the speed at which your unconscious mind is turning on the pattern.
Ninety percent of how we show up in life is unconscious and based on our past. Your brain needs to conserve energy, so it’s automating your decisions, behaviors, and feelings for you. Think of your bad habits as brain lesions.
Every time a People are delightful Habit is presenting itself, your brain is riding the same neural pathways, deepening the grooves, as a dirt path naturally forms over time when you walk on grass.
This well-worn path seems safer and easier than walking through the wild, untamed grass, which feels unfamiliar, dangerous, and risky to deal with — you fear being judged, shamed, or rejected there. The thought of standing up to your evil mother-in-law only adds to the anxiety.
But you reach a point where you want to be in the wild grass. It represents the life you can live — embracing space, effortlessly putting your needs first, living in your joy, and feeling amazing in your emotional well-being.
So how do you jump on your metaphorical grass field?hell yeah” Life?
By planting new seeds in your unconscious mind and watering them regularly.
Planting the seeds
If people-pleasing was no longer a problem for you, what would be possible in your life?
Imagine a scenario where you have already reconfigured the pathways of your unconscious mind, and you manifest exactly how you want to feel, exactly how you want, and that’s it. simple. You are confident, strong and unforgiving.
Whose rules will you stop following?
What borders, barbed wire, will you put in place?
Whose misdirected emotions would you feel bulletproof against?
Will you shamelessly abdicate any responsibility?
Do you treat yourself to self-indulgence?
Will the truth come out of your mouth? (Truths that are so electric, that you might explode if you don’t tell them now!)
There’s a reason it’s so addictive to imagine our ideal life. We are wired to “believe” what we imagine because a part of our brain doesn’t know the difference between real and imagined. It’s the same reason we’re emotionally drawn to TV and movies. You understand it’s acting, right?
When the critical thinking part of your mind quiets down—as it does when you’re engrossed in a good story—you’re accessing your unconscious mind, where all habits are created. This is where we influence, influence and sell ideas the most.
To break out of the man-pleasing brain mess, you need to plant the seed in your unconscious mind to “influence” yourself to show up the way you want in your life. Done with repetition, these seeds help build new neural pathways, making it possible to be your best at home, at work, and in your community.
One of the most powerful ways to plant seeds is to visualize while in a deeply relaxed state of mind. Here are some tips on how to get started.
Start in the right frame of mind
Visualization works best when you feel relaxed and calm in your body. If you are actively triggered, self-regulate your emotions before jumping into visualization.
A quick and easy way to do this is to combine a Breathing exercises With the stimulation of acupressure points on your wrists. Grab one wrist with the opposite hand and squeeze. Take a big breath, hold for a few seconds at the top of your inhale, and then exhale twice as long. Repeat two to three times. Once you feel nice and grounded, find a quiet place with no distractions so you can focus and go inward.
get specific
The brain works in very specific, limited ways. If you want to be a badass who lives life on your terms, what exactly does that look like? Imagine yourself in a certain place, taking certain actions, feeling a certain way about it. Focus on things like speaking your truth, facing people, feeling confident, setting boundaries, etc.
Repeat count
Your mind needs enough new information about who you want to be to generalize the changes in your life. You don’t need to visualize for long—two to three minutes at a time is enough, but be sure to make it a part of your routine. Try starting a few times a week.
seed water
Take real-life actions that support the person you are becoming. Your brain and nervous system are always learning and adapting when you show up in new ways. It’s like proving to yourself that Yes, I can do it. Start with small steps. Choose places where you want to put yourself first and practice using your voice to advocate for yourself. Be determined to do this – the confidence and boldness you crave will emerge naturally.
about Chrissy Loveman
Chrissy Loveman is a neuroscience-informed life coach. He works with the conscious and unconscious mind to create deep, lasting change. get her Free toolkit To jumpstart your inner working journey.
