Co-authored with Gallit Romanelli, MA
Couples usually come to therapy because they want to change something. They feel stuck and aren’t always sure how much work their relationship really needs. Some intelligible things are off but can’t quite name. Others know something needs to change but feel overwhelmed with where to start.
When couples are unsure how to evaluate their relationship, we invite them to ask themselves a simple but powerful question:
What do you want in your relationship with your children?
We ask this because it creates leverage. Not just clarity about what needs to change, but the urge to actually start. It does something else. It helps couples zoom out beyond the daily grind and remember what’s really at stake.
Before considering possible answers, there is one basic reality to sit with: Your children are watching you right now. They are not just observing two people who share a house. They are growing inside the relational space between you. That space is their first classroom for what love feels like, how conflict is handled, how affection is expressed, and how distance can be felt between two people. Psychologists call this implicit relational knowledge, and children absorb it whether we want them to or not.
You are their model, for better and for worse.
My mother used to say, “Do as I say, not as I do.” But children rarely follow what we preach. They follow what we do. When there is a gap between your words and your behavior, children believe the behavior. That’s what they internalize.
What they see in you and your partner becomes their definition of normal. This becomes the default expectation that they carry into their own relationships. Many people copy the patterns they saw growing up. Others try to rebel and over-correct, only to find themselves recreating something surprisingly similar. This is how Intergenerational relational scripts Travel from one generation to the next.
Which brings us back to the question: What do you want in your relationship with your children?
For most people, the answer falls into one of three categories.
“Yes, I do”
If the answer is yes, then that’s great. It means you feel proud of what you are modeling. Keep doing what you’re doing. Let your children see relationships in reality. Let them see the conversation, the effort, the repair after conflict, the humor, and the care you show each other. When children see a relationship that works, they gain a strong internal model of what a partnership can look and feel like.
“no way”
If the answer is not clear, it may be time to change soon. Not next year. Not when the kids are out of the house. Not when life is less busy. That discomfort is leverage. Use it.
Changing relationships does two things. First, it improves your life and that of your partner. It shows your kids something they need: Relationships aren’t static. They can evolve. They can be rebuilt. Couples, in many ways, “Remarry” the same partner They already change the relationship. When children see their parents actively doing that, they internalize that relationships are dynamic and capable of evolving with them.
“I’m not sure… it depends”
For many couples the answer is more complicated. Parts of the relationship feel strong and meaningful. Other parts feel frustrating or difficult. If you land there, it can be a viable start.
Have an honest conversation with your partner. Ask yourself what parts of the relationship you would happily see your children replicate and what parts you would hope to avoid. The second list directs where your energy should go.
People are motivated to improve their relationships for a variety of reasons. For some, motivation is internal. For others, it sharpens the moment they realize their children are watching. Both work. The key is to find something that creates enough leverage for each of you to actually get started.
This question does more than diagnose. It asks couples to choose. Be intentional. Consciously, their children are growing within to correct the world of kinship. This is what we call relational integrity: the alignment between the relationship you live in and the one you actually want to move forward with. After all, the goal of a relationship is not just to endure it. The goal is to feel free together.
When partners feel respected, connected and alive in a relationship, the partnership becomes a source of strength rather than exhaustion. And when that happens, something else emerges: it becomes your relational legacy. The relative wealth you leave behind.
So come back to this question again and again: Will my children inherit a marriage I am proud of? Ask once a year. Ask once a month. Ask this whenever things feel bad. It’s never too late to change direction. And improving your relationship is one of the most meaningful gifts you can ever give your children.
Galit Romanelli is a relationship coach, PhD Gender Studies candidate, and co-director possible state.
