By Brad Golfeni
When a whale breaches the surface of the ocean and takes a big breath, it feeds its body with a life-giving precious resource. This resource allows whales to live in harmony with their natural habitat. For at least the last 500 years humanity has been holding its breath, denying the body the life-giving precious resource, oxygen to the heart, necessary to live in harmony. When the mind takes over and it dominates the heart, people lose balance with the natural rhythm of life.
The pair of words emotional and intelligence have been in my life for the past 20 years. I have always been highly sensitive and subject to strong emotional disturbances, but the idea that I could increase the intelligence of my emotional states was new to me two decades ago. The concept of emotional intelligence has taken me on a journey I could never have imagined. There was a strong magnetic pull to explore this topic so I kept digging in my men’s group, I read book after book on psychology, hypnotherapy, shamanism and finally stumbled upon somatic work. Now, 20 years later, I am certified in Somatic Experiencing, involved in shamanic studies, am a Master Trainer and Facilitator at EVRYMAN, Director of Training and Education at EVRYMAN, a Somatic Coach offering one-on-one sessions and group workshops, interviewed on dozens of podcasts, and having life-changing experiences on every journey. And all these experiences have made me who I am today, curious and open. Part of this process also included challenging myself on a core level and as a result, selling our old business and choosing to commit to this work full time. This decision was stark and simple. I now choose things that feed my soul and avoid activities that suck the life force out of it. It was a wise decision, not an easy one.
The term “emotional intelligence” is used by therapists, coaches, and others who think that we are living fragmented lives because we don’t have a distinct relationship with our emotional selves. I also believe it to be true. However, the phrase emotional intelligence Also refers to a knower of mind and such things. Although it may begin with conscious awareness, this path continues toward true embodiment. Knowing brings a conceptual reality that provides more compassion, empathy and awareness. Embodiment is the perceived sense practice of a focused activity. Embodiment is an art form. I still remember the aha moment of learning that I could better manage and control my emotional states in the early stages of my journey. This insight was helpful, like a small creek that was about to inevitably flow into a raging river. I had no idea what was to come. Creating a mental construct of a new idea is the first step, but it is not enough. Unfortunately, this is where many end their journey.
Starting a path that has an unknown destination is crazy scary. The body wants some level of certainty and predictability. Following this path into unknown and unknown places can activate a primal fear that triggers our survival instinct. When this happens, every emotion wants to run and hide as a distant voice shouts a warning. Ironically, if we follow the voice of fear we will simply recreate what we know from our past. For growth and development, uncharted territory must be explored.
Many stories tell of dark forests where danger and dark forces dwell. Exploring our sensitive bodies includes adventures in the dark woods. Natural law applies to everything on our planet, including the human body where light and dark forces exist beneath a skin. To further this journey we need to dive deep within. A cave exists for each of us in the silent, dark, restricted place of growth. This cave patiently awaits discovery. It contains those lost pieces of ourselves long lost or given away.
When anger became too overwhelming to deal with, it was kept in this cave. When a deep loss created grief and grief beyond measure, it moved here. When fear turned to terror and paralyzed our being, it was a safe place to be. And when the shame of our actions, individual or collective, creates a disparity that prevents a normal functioning life, it takes refuge in this darkness. There is great intelligence living in these caves. Our natural survival mechanism created this cave and it represents a greater intelligent force that resides within all of us. This is confirmed by the hand-carved sign that hangs at the very back that says, “Welcome Home”.
Embodied emotional awareness is a lived experience of confronting our own unconsciousness. Facing our disconnected parts is a true act of courage and an opportunity for greater inner alignment. This conflict creates a flood of emotions that are never expressed and new realities emerge. With the unfolding of a new reality, new relationships can form. Personally, this stage of development was expected to take months, and I made huge progress in just a few months. It then expands over several years of additional work with further progress.
For me, there was an unconscious belief that there was a moment of arrival, a time of personal fulfillment. This misconception has informed me in profound ways. The Western mind sees work as beginning and end. There is only further development with inner workings. It is never complete. This realization can be both exhausting and exhilarating. “I have to do my inner work” can sometimes feel tedious, a chore. “I can do my inner work” ignites my energy and ignites something deep inside. Emotional intelligence is a lifelong focus and is not something to be rushed. Concentrated developmental work is an artistic creation where artist and art become one. The steady hand of intention works with the colors of imagination to create extraordinary beauty.
The artist must use all internal resources to create a masterpiece. Any block that compresses the free flowing energy must face the surface. This self-confrontation can be done with compassion, gratitude, heart and consciousness. In this process, the embodied intelligence of our mental field becomes accessible. In this process, our emotional intelligence capacity expands
There is a difference…
in the knowledge And the wisdom
in to solve And Holding
in the mind And the heart
in the body And the soul
in the person And collective
When needle meets thread, these polarized energies can create a beautiful tapestry. When we collectively thread this needle, there will be peace.
One foundation that supports emotional intelligence is safety. Our autonomic nervous system is extremely complex and always strives for safety. In my client work, whether with a single client or in a group setting, I often ask the question, “Do you feel safe now?” Most of the time I get the answer, “yes”. Then I would ask, “How do you know?” This question will compel a curiosity. One that leads to a search for more validation of inner sensations and security. I also get a lot of answers about what people are not feeling, “I don’t feel pain” or “I’m not sad right now”.
The question is a big question, what does security look like in the sensitive body? Is it hot or cold, expansive or contracted, hard or soft, peaceful or turbulent, blue or red? Most people have a visceral sense of what it’s like to be insecure, but not the other way around. Overall, acknowledging feelings of safety is a key factor in emotional intelligence.
Security is defined as being in an environment, or with a person, that is predictable, familiar, and consistent. The opposite is also true, something that is unexpected, unknown and unrelated will create the tension of being insecure. Feeling a sense of security can be very helpful. Our emotional body will respond to our sense of security with more even and manageable emotions instead of chaotic and wildly swinging emotions. Granted, if we’re really insecure, emotions can flare up. It is important to remember that in today’s world, there are no tigers waiting to pounce in the bushes.
But, there’s a mortgage to pay and a house to repair and kids to feed and a job to do and all this while there’s war and political division in the Middle East and hot weather and artificial intelligence. In a way, we made the world unsafe and now we are paying the price. Accepting what is reliable, stable and predictable is accepting security. Stepping into the unknown of true transformation is how we grow from the soul level. These polarities may seem like they are in conflict, like two sides of a magnet that repel each other. Learning to dance with this polarization will help expand how we perceive the world and increase our emotional intelligence. Acknowledging safety in the body brings us into the body and into the present moment. Striving for innovation drives us to walk unfamiliar paths and grow.
Emotional intelligence includes both emotional knowledge and embodied knowledge. In a society where the embodied knowledge of emotions is greatly devalued, it can feel strange to spend time developing a relationship with this part of ourselves. Yet, as we work to create a new relationship with anger, we honor the protective power within anger and work to create expressions that do not have a harmful effect on others. When we develop a healthy relationship with fear we learn to lean into fear as a teacher and move forward with the valuable lessons of our limiting belief structures. When we develop an open relationship with shame, we can experience the benefit of shining a light on the parts of us that we bury and hide, even from ourselves. When we rise to allow our inner systems to color in beauty and joy, we experience the wonder of life.
Learning to build healthy relationships with emotions involves the deep work of being with the full spectrum and polarized energies of our own emotions. There is dark harmful hostile anger and protective calm assertive anger, they are part of a larger spectrum that must be felt and faced in order to develop proper relationships. Being in right relationship with the emotional body is a fluid task, because emotions are fluid in nature.
The ability to contain and express our emotional selves in the moment is part of emotional intelligence. Having an embodied awareness of emotional states and allowing emotional expression to flow through the body is good self-care and a healthy practice. There are no positive or negative emotions. They are all hardwired into our nervous system with a distinct purpose. Avoiding our emotions, or burying them, or neglecting them is self-harm. Unprocessed energy in the body leads to trauma and eventually more health problems. Owning your sensitive body is an act of self-honesty. Expressing emotions openly and with care is an act of love. It’s time to free our hearts and unleash our wild nature.
with heart,
Brad Golfeni
–
Previously published Men Living
iStock Image
