“A big part of financial freedom is keeping your heart and mind free from life’s what-ifs.” ~Suze Orman
During my upbringing, my parents often struggled with money because we didn’t have much of it. My mother sometimes overspent, while my father made me wear shoes that were a size smaller so he could save money.
This clash of opposites created real tension in our home, and eventually, my father instructed my mother to pay my father his full salary so that he could handle it. She even had to ask for allowances for things like menstrual pads or coffee. Today, I understand that this type of dynamic is called financial abuse.
When my mother left my father, it was very difficult for her to support our family financially as she earned less money than my father while they were together.
Even so, he wanted us to have more. I remember it like yesterday. I was twelve years old, and my mother took me to a clothing store called Am. I loved that store but could never buy anything from there because it was out of our price range.
I noticed a simple black sweater and immediately fell in love with it. I showed my mother. That was about $20, which was our grocery budget for the week. And like any child, I begged him to buy it for me. Finally he gave in and said ok.
I remember we were standing next to the register. She was on my right, and when I looked at her, I could not only see but literally feel the stress she was going through to not be able to afford spending $20 on a sweater. My excitement was immediately replaced by deep guilt and shame that I was the cause of her stress and grief.
Although I didn’t realize it for many years, it was a defining moment when I unconsciously decided that I didn’t deserve or deserve more money or make better money.
Years later, when I began my healing work, I realized that these seemingly small and insignificant moments shape the way we see money, how we feel about it, and whether we believe we deserve it or not.
At first, it seemed to have a positive effect. In my twenties, I became an extreme saver.
When I was twenty-two, I moved to the United States. During my first year as an au pair, I lived with a generous family and still managed to save, believing I was good with money.
After my year ended, I moved to Florida on my own and began to become aware of how the financial system works in the United States. My husband then told me I needed to build my credit because, well, everyone does it. We all need credit to live in this country. So I got my first credit card. This was when my conservation muscles began to weaken.
The lifestyle I was used to in Slovakia was different here as I was starting from scratch. Being a customer service representative, my mani-pedis, haircuts, and desire to live the high life since I was in America ate up a significant portion of my earnings while leaving me high and dry at the end of the month.
Looking back now, I’d say the breaking point happened when I had a dental emergency. I woke up with my right side completely swollen and had to go to the dentist for an emergency appointment.
I had insurance, but I wasn’t aware that there is often a significant portion that you have to pay out of pocket. Once the emergency was averted, I stood at the reception desk, handing the receptionist my insurance card. After a few moments, he looked at me with a smile and said, “Total $1,600 out of your pocket”.
I froze, cold sweat breaking out on my numb face. say what I don’t have $1,600. He looked at me again, smiled and said, “That won’t be a problem. We have a payment plan available.”
And thus began my cycle of hatred.
Can I sit here and tell you that my financial condition is so bad because the system or the bankers and lenders offered me their money? of course But that’s a very small part of the equation, and it’s not really what caused me to break up.
After about eight years of personal loans, medical debt, a car loan and about six credit cards, I hit rock bottom and finally filed for bankruptcy.
One thing I couldn’t wrap my head around was that I was responsible, reliable and capable in other areas of my life, but when it came to money, I failed miserably. Even my payment history was perfect because, well, I was a responsible borrower. Later, I used to joke that I was overwhelmed with responsibility.
Bankruptcy was a turning point for me. Once it was all over and my case was settled, I remember sitting on my bed in my studio apartment and asking myself: “How did I actually get here?”
After I reflected, I realized it was a combination of three things. First, I never healed my money blocks and beliefs, which affected my income level. Second, I refuse to educate myself about money. And third, I was using debt as a way to finance my lifestyle, even though I couldn’t afford it at the time.
Once I sat with this for a while, I promised myself that I would never find myself in this financial position again. I decided to face my financial fears and bought my first financial book, Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey.
As one of the first steps, he suggests that you save the first $1,000. I didn’t see how I would be able to do that, but I stood firm in my convictions. I started with $50. Then it was $100, $200, and finally, within two months, I saved my first $1,000.
Saving my first $1,000 was less about money and more about self-confidence while rebuilding confidence in my choices. Suddenly, I felt more capable and reliable when it came to money, a feeling I wasn’t familiar with.
Step by step over the years, I started making healthier financial choices. I opened my first brokerage account and started investing, and no matter what point system the credit card company offered, I stayed away from doing it.
Looking back on this journey of financial struggle and how I connected it to my self-worth, I would offer three tips when it comes to money.
1. Address your financial trauma.
Whether people grew up with money or without it, many of us have financial limiting beliefs that hold us back.
Five minutes in a clothing store with my mother at the age of twelve dictated twenty more years of financial stress for me. Money directly affects our nervous system as well as our mental and emotional well-being.
Of course, financial stress is inevitable for those who are truly struggling or living at the poverty level. But for many of us, the paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle is a combination of bad financial habits, a negative relationship with money, and a lack of financial knowledge.
Addressing your relationship with money will not only help you understand your current financial situation but also uncover deeper wounds you may be carrying, such as feelings of inadequacy or a desire for validation. Money problems are often symptoms of a deeper problem.
2. Spirituality and money can coexist.
I grew up atheist, so when I started exploring spirituality later in life, I developed a certain disorientation towards money. I saw it as something materialistic that did not belong to the spiritual world.
I later realized that spirituality had become another way for me to escape my financial trauma, justifying that I was above money and expressing my way out of being broke. While I’m not discounting the power of attraction and manifestation, I think it’s important to be practical and logical with our finances.
The hardest lesson was that I can’t reach higher levels of consciousness or heal much of my trauma when I’m stuck in constant survival mode and my nervous system is paralyzed in fight-or-flight mode because I don’t know how I’m going to handle my rent next month. We must take care of the survival aspects of our lives before diving deeper.
3. Learn about money.
There are many negative financial statements we hear all the time. Things like “money can’t buy happiness” or “money is the root of all evil” when in fact, there is nothing wrong with being interested in money, understanding it and working with it effectively. Finance is one of the many essential aspects of living a healthy and balanced life.
You don’t need to strive to be the richest person in the world, but understanding your budget, having an emergency fund, and saving for retirement are the foundations of your financial health.
When I started learning about money, it gave me a sense of empowerment and mastery. It made me feel more confident, gave me clarity and brought a sense of peace to my daily life. I was able to achieve and heal on a deeper personal level because I wasn’t consumed by daily financial pressures.
Today, I no longer carry the shame of that moment. Instead, I carry the knowledge that I am capable, worthy and deserving of financial stability and so are you.
about Silvia Turonova
Sylvia helps financially independent women transform their relationship with money, addressing both the emotional and practical aspects through a personalized finance approach. She created HerEaseWithMoney Starter, a free 10-minute money guide for women ready to take their first step. get here. You can find him Instagram.
