Co-author Galit Romanelli
I only remember once.
I was in middle school in Skokie, Illinois. My father was talking about his work. He was talking about the immigration of Ethiopian Jews to Israel, something he was very passionate about, when mid-sentence, he started to cry. I remember being very embarrassed. I didn’t know what to do with it. That was the only time I remember seeing my father cry.
Years later, I asked him about it. She told me that there was another time, when I was young, that I came into the kitchen and saw her crying. He was thinking about his mother. I asked him what was going on. I don’t remember that moment at all. I guess I didn’t recognize that moment for what it really was.
He told me that he had never really seen his own father, my grandfather, cry. She remembers hearing her once from another room after her grandmother died.
Three generations of men. Almost no tears.
In the clinic, one of the questions I ask each person is the same.
Have you ever seen your father cry?
I asked it because most men were social not to cry. Crying is weak, or “for girls.” Instead we are praised when we are strong and brave. This is what Terry Real calls psychological patriarchy. And the tax we pay for that socialization is that we never see a model. We grew up seeing a man experience a narrow band of life and call it normal.
Visualize the emotion on a scale of 1 to 101 frustration and 10 ecstasy. Most males live as 4 to 6’ers. quick to anger Slow in pleasure. Almost never weak. We don’t see our fathers experiencing the full range, so we don’t experience the full range. We replicate what we see.
Of the men I ask, maybe 10 percent say they’ve seen their father cry. And those who did could count the time on one hand.
Then I ask the second question:
Have your children ever seen you cry?
Again, rarely. Maybe 20 percent.
So I ask the men sitting in front of me: How do you expect your kids to experience the full range if they don’t see you do it?
It’s not just about your father. It’s not just about you. It’s about the script you’re passing down. Your kids are watching. They are learning what a person is allowed to feel. No matter what you show them, they will not learn to feel.
Much of what we see in men, violence, cynicism, numbness, slow drift Hidden male depressioncomes from a single root. We are not experiencing the full range. The truth is that we are feeling creatures that think. When feeling ceases, only thought remains, and thought itself becomes cold.
A wide sensory range is my definition of survival. This is mental health.
Crying is not weakness. Release the tears. This is e-motion: energy in motion. Block it, and it doesn’t disappear. It leaked. It comes out as aggression, control, addiction, or slow stopping of various motions. Either you work at it, or you are numb to it. Coming out of the two people who can’t cry. No one is alive.
So here’s the third question:
Do you want to feel more?
Because that is the real choice. If you want to feel more pleasure, you have to feel more pain. That’s the deal. There is no gain without loss. You can’t pick the happy half of the mental spectrum and ignore the rest. You either widen the whole thing or you don’t widen any of it.
I cry a lot now. I left myself. The truth is, when I feel full of myself, I’m often alone in it. My son sometimes looks at me like I’m funny, or unmanly. I take a hit on my ego. I instantly accepted the blow of his respect for me. Because I know that in the long run, that’s what will allow him to feel more. This is my legacy to him. So he can have a wide emotional range. So he can feel free, together.
When I cry in front of my kids, I want to tell them what kind of tears they are. tears of joy Sad cry Cry of despair. I want their emotional literacy. I want them to know that crying is not bad, there are different types, the body has its own language. When I see my son cry, I cherish it. I know what it cost three generations of men in my family to get him there.
Three generations of men in my family, and almost no tears. I am trying to break that chain.
My dream is that men will talk more about this. Not in the clinic. with each other.
So it’s your turn. Next time you sit with your father, your friend, your brother, your son, ask them. Have you ever seen your father cry? See what opens. See what comes out of the room as we are all listening.
This is how the chain is broken.
Galit Romanelli is a relationship coach, PhD research candidate, and co-director possible state.
