In another post I talked about window of toleranceAn idea originally Dr. Developed by Dan Siegel that describes an optimal stress response zone for a person to manage daily life. When we are within this window, we can effectively deal with our emotions, but things that trigger or upset us take us outside the window and challenge our ability to be present and cope.
This idea really helped me think about healing in a non-binary way. That is, not whether we are “cured” or not, but a) how wide is our window, and b) is it expanding, however slowly?
These questions can be powerful touchstones on the healing journey. I love it when clients realize something that takes them out the window and do it. For example, hearing what their toxic ex is up to or catching a glimpse of them around town. Early in the healing process, this type of thing often stimulates a strong sympathetic nervous system response to the former target. We may experience a high heart rate, flushes and tremors, brain fog, etc. On some level, it feels threatening and scary and beyond what our system wants to tolerate.
But as the healing process progresses, our window expands and we may notice that our system responds less vigorously. Heart rate may increase, but not by much. We can feel bored but still think clearly. Often, there is still a feeling of fear, but it is within a range of tolerance.
So for me, the goal is to expand the window, however slowly and however long it takes. Here are some simple thoughts on how:
One: Reframe the concept of healing in this metaphor. Don’t expect yourself to be calm and centered no matter what. Tell yourself that it’s normal that each person has a window of tolerance, and that distress is the logical response when it’s taken out of us.
Two: Celebrate small spreads along the way. Any calm of the symptoms is a win. Widening the window is a success. Don’t focus on the fact that you’re still triggered, focus on the fact that the trigger is a little more tolerable than it was in the past.
Three: Focus on rebuilding yourself Instead of any changes you would ideally expect to see in them. Work with someone (a support group, a coach, a therapist, etc.) who can help you reclaim your inherent value and worth.
Four: Be thoughtful about triggers You express yourself (if and when you have a choice). Be gentle with yourself and go slowly with familiar triggers as much as possible. When avoiding triggers isn’t possible (for example, you have to stay in touch with a very triggering ex because you’re co-parenting), do what you can to limit exposure and see #2 above!
I lived in an old house in the Midwest. Sometimes in the spring, the windows were closed because of the harsh winter. But with a little patience and sometimes a gentle nudge, I always got them open again. I think we can be like that too. Our windows can feel like they are closed due to the harshness of our experience. But please don’t give up, the spring wind wants to come.
Previously published But now I know your name
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