“A proper adult communicates clearly and firmly.”
It’s something I’ve heard a lot of people say.
By that definition, I would not have been classified as a proper adult for most of my life.
There was a time when I couldn’t even ask anyone for a glass of water. I know that may seem crazy to some people, and for a long time I felt crazy about it.
Why couldn’t I do it without thinking about what others have done? Why couldn’t I say what I needed to say? Why can’t I be normal?
These questions would only feed the shame spiral I was trapped in at that point in my life.
But I should have asked myself that the question is not how I overcome being so damaged and flawed, but how my struggles are understood based on how I grew up.
Because based on that, I was perfect and my behaviors made perfect sense.
I was the child who was taught to watch and listen.
I was the child whose feelings made others angry and violent.
I was the child whose anger shamed him and was rejected by the person who needed him the most.
I was the baby who got spanked over and over again until she didn’t cry anymore.
I was the child whose needs made it difficult for those charged with caring for him.
I was the child whose wishes were called selfish, attention-seeking, or ridiculous.
I was the child who was mistaken for what he felt, wanted or needed.
I was the child who was called a monster because he was a child.
I was the kid who grew up unwanted, alone, and completely repulsed.
So why should the child talk? Why would that child ever share anything about themselves? he won’t‘T, will he? It all makes sense. I understand. It was a way of life. way to survive
I was taught that I didn’t matter. What I wanted or needed and how I felt was so repulsive that it needed to be hidden at all costs. And I did it to avoid being hurt, embarrassed and rejected. Even when I was with different people. Even when I was an adult.
That pattern runs my life. I couldn’t bring myself to say what I wanted and needed to say. It felt very scary. It felt very dangerous. It was also shameful.
So if you struggle to express yourself and feel embarrassed about it, I get it. i did too But I want you to know this: it’s not your fault. It wasn’t your fault.
And yes, life is harder when you can’t be who you are growing up. When the only way you could protect yourself was to be less than you were. When you can’t grow into yourself because it will hurt you. When you couldn’t learn to love yourself because that was the biggest risk of all.
But today, that risk lives only in you. In your conditioning. And that‘That’s where inner healing comes in.
For me, that meant getting professional support to help me learn how to safely connect with myself and my truth, and how to banish the critical, demanding, and abusive inner voice that misrepresented my feelings, needs, and desires.
It means learning to control my nervous system so I can overcome my fears and be honest about what works for me and what doesn’t. This was a major turning point in my relationships because I started to present myself more openly and assertively, which meant that my relationships improved dramatically or I learned that other people didn’t really care about me and how I felt.
It means being emotionally open and learning to understand what my feelings are trying to tell me. Since I learned to avoid and suppress my emotions growing up, I knew that truly knowing myself would be challenging.
I had a great opportunity to rejuvenate myself – to give myself the love, affection and attention that I didn’t get as a child.
And that’s what finally allowed me to feel safe enough to express myself.
The relationship I had with myself started to become a safe haven instead of a battlefield, and my life has never been the same since.
Everything outside began to align with what was happening inside me. As I became more secure in myself, the people in my life became more secure, which helped us build deeper, more meaningful and intimate relationships.
So I know that kind of thing Change is possible. It doesn’t feel good now though. I know this is possible because today I am the most authentic and revealed version of myself.
See everything I’m sharing with you here. It is far from asking for a glass of water.
Today I no longer hold back the words I always wanted to say. I speak to them.
Today I no longer hold back my feelings. I feel them. I share them. freely
Today I no longer deny my needs and play with my desires. I own them. I meet them. I fill them.
Today I own who I am, and I don’t feel held back by toxic shame the way I once did.
I didn’t think it was possible for me then.
I hope that as I share my story and my transformation you will follow that spark of desire within you to express yourself. To share your thoughts and wishes. To express what it is‘like to be you Finally to meet you and finally all of you.
That’s what you need to hear. Not the voice of fear or shame. Not your conditioner. Not something or someone that reinforces your inhibitions or trauma.
You were born to express yourself fully. That was your birthright. This is the gift of the world.
Just because the people who raised you didn’t understand you as a unique miracle, doesn’t mean you have to deprive the world and yourself of your experiences. More of you. all of you
It’s never too late to open your heart and share yourself in ways that heal, release, empower, and make you feel loved.
about Marlena Tilhon
Marlena is a highly experienced psychotherapist and success coach who specializes in healing internal trauma and breaking unhealthy patterns that hold her ambitious clients back from achieving the success they deserve in their lives, relationships and careers. You can find him Instagram or Facebook and receiving his free training and gifts upon him website.
