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If you love someone, set them free Good advice should be advice that no one wants to follow. It seems contrary to everything we’ve been taught about love—love is something we fight for, we suffer; “There’s no high mountain that can keep me from you” and all that. Quitting seems like the most risky endeavor; Most of us would no more release a dangerous criminal from prison than release someone we believe to be the safe and proper confines of our love.
Because love is always a good thing, right? How can loving someone ever be considered a “trap”?
As common as divorce has become in our society, it has been so stigmatized that most people feel compelled to make a loud and messy case for their argument; Unfortunately, this means that someone (often both) plays the villain. Divorce is still seen as the epitome of “abandonment” (especially when children are involved) and is already one of the most stressful experiences a man can experience as an accused. Children experience permanent disruption of their family life; Should they also be subjected to the idea that their parents are “failures”?
What if we could treat divorce with the same respect? Recognizing the importance of these major life decisions that are clearly not made lightly and celebrating the potential for new life and new growth that will result? All respects the bravery that endings require and the courage that it takes to move forward?
Leaving a relationship that isn’t working out not only makes sense, it’s actually the most loving thing you can do. Recognizing that both you and your partner deserve to be happy; This is shifting the power of the relationship from obligation to choice. We’ve been sold the idea that when we “commit” ourselves to each other, we can no longer choose.
In rich, poor, in sickness and in health…it is now preordained that they shall be endured together as long as you both shall live. I think it actually stifles the love we feel for each other instead of enhancing it. It is far more edifying and romantic to begin each day with the understanding that we can choose differently, that we actively choose each other over and over again.
Not because we have to; Because we want to.
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This is not necessarily an argument against marriage; It is more clearly an argument for independence. The “rule of love” seems to me to be a contradiction in terms. Rules are meant to maintain an institution; Agreements are the basis of mutual respect. Rules are strict and restrictive; Contracts are fluid and mutually agreeable. Nothing is more harmful to a love relationship than rigidity.
When we are flexible, relationships can blossom instead of being tightly coiled.
There is something a bit tragicomic in that the main argument against freedom in a romantic relationship is the belief that it will encourage infidelity. While I don’t believe that’s necessarily true, I’m going to go out on a limb and say, “So what?” If we believe that infidelity is a symptom and not the cause of an unhealthy relationship, then what are we so afraid of?
Having to admit that we have unhealthy relationships? Is it better to pretend otherwise? I’m sorry, this argument seems crackerjack to me.
When we see someone we care about struggling (and we all struggle with something), our overriding instinct is to jump in and “fix it.” It is neither our duty nor our right. And it rarely works, anyway.
We are meant to heal our own struggles and give others the support and acceptance to feel safe to heal theirs. It is the inner conflict of freedom that many people miss; Prisoner seems like the safe choice. But really, accepting each other with an open heart is our safest position.
We are no longer looking to the people we love to please us with behaviors we deem acceptable. Now we are taking responsibility for ourselves and luxuriating in the freedom to be who we are. Mandatory actions are left to organic choice, mutually agreed upon and done respectfully.
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Giving up is not giving up! It is a release of expectation, a realization that the more open we are, the greater the possibility of satisfaction. In our goal-oriented, driven society, we are taught to “keep our eye on the prize.” I’m not going to comment on whether this is the “best” way to achieve success, but I am going to say that being goal-oriented in a relationship is a really inorganic way to approach it.
Think about the evolution of your greatest friendship; The natural growth and deepening of the bond over time, the absolute certainty that the relationship remains complete, intact and available when needed even when you are not in constant contact. We are able to maintain these joyful connections because we are never out to “get” something from each other; Sharing the ride was the whole premise.
Now, what if we could experience romantic love in the same way? Trust enough to bond to allow other than us to be complete? Choosing each other again and again is not out of necessity, never out of obligation but instead because we don’t want to miss witnessing the evolution of a loved one.
Do you want a partner or a prisoner? Lover or broker?
If you love someone, set them free. If you are afraid to do this work, then you will be alone? Then you are living in prison.
You’re the kind of person you need to love enough to let go; Free yourself from the idea that any relationship defines you and open yourself up to endless possibilities for your happiness.
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