“The most common way people give up their power is to think they don’t have it.”
Alice Walker
There is one situation that I often see most men don’t want to admit.
It usually sounds something like this:
He finally works up the courage to come up with something that actually matters to him.
Not logistics.
Not the schedule.
Not surface-level conversation.
Something real.
In this case, it’s intimacy.
He drew it up carefully. with respect
does not push does not claim
And what happens?
She deflects.
By changing the subject.
Admit it… but change nothing.
Finally, he gets a more direct answer:
“He just doesn’t feel that way.”
And just like that the conversation ended.
Here’s the hard truth most men don’t want to say out loud:
When one partner controls access to something that is deeply important to the other—and refuses to engage in solving it—
That’s not just a mismatch. It’s a power imbalance.
Now let’s be clear about something before we go any further.
It’s not about entitlement.
No one owes you sex.
No one owes you a wish.
But…
A healthy marriage requires mutual care about each other’s needs.
And when a person basically says:
“It’s not important to me, so I’m not willing to work on it.”
That’s where the problem really starts.
Now, many men will say, “It’s about sex.”
But you and I know that it really isn’t.
About it:
feeling wanted
selected feeling
It seems that you are important in your own marriage
When it disappears, something inside shifts.
You start second guessing yourself.
You pull back.
Or you’re frustrated—but don’t know how to express it without making things worse.
So you do what many men have been conditioned to do:
You minimize.
you bear
you wait
And slowly… your wife stops being your partner and starts feeling like your roommate.
Let’s talk about your part in this—because that’s where your power lies.
You tried to bring it up… but you kept it safe.
You hinted rather than directly
You joked instead of coming clean
At a moment of resistance you retreat
I know why.
You don’t want to cause conflict.
You don’t want to stress him out.
You don’t want to be “that guy”.
But here’s the problem:
When you soften your truth to avoid discomfort, you train both him and your relationship to ignore things that are important to you.
And in time, your needs are denied – because he is not malicious…
But because you haven’t made it clear that this is something that must be addressed.
If you want to change it, the way forward is not stress.
And it’s not silence either.
Lead it.
That means a different kind of conversation.
No:
“We haven’t been close in a while…”
But:
“This part of our relationship is important to me. Not just physically, but because of how I feel connected to you. And I don’t want a marriage where we avoid talking about important things.”
Notice the difference?
You are not claiming.
But you’re not backing down either.
He has to be willing to sit uneasily for not agreeing with him.
His resistance.
Don’t want to get involved with her.
Because right now, he has no reason to.
The pattern works for her.
Avoid → Deflect → End conversation.
Until this pattern changes, nothing else will.
It’s not really about intimacy.
Your intimate life is exactly where it appears.
The real problem is this:
Can both married people come up with something that matters – and trust that it won’t be dismissed?
If the answer is no, the relationship will always seem one-sided.
So, what do you do now?
you don’t stop
You don’t explode.
And you won’t repeat the same low-impact conversation.
You increase the value of the conversation itself.
You clear it:
It is important to you
You are not attacking him
But you’re not willing to ignore it anymore
And then – you stay in it long enough to actually deal with it.
You are not wrong for wanting intimacy in your marriage.
But asking is not enough.
If you approach it in a way that makes it easy to dismiss, avoid or procrastinate…
Stay right where you are.
The change happens when you stop debating whether it matters…
And start changing how it’s addressed.
Previously published Hero Husband Project
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Previously published Hero Husband Project
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