At first, everything about the connection seems perfect. They are charming, independent and always leave you wanting more. You’re sure they want to take things slow, which can be refreshing.
But then a switch flips and something changes. They start to become distant. When it seems you two are getting close, they meet you in silence. And just the tiniest of conflicts or disagreements can feel like they’re haunting you.
If any of these sound familiar, you may be involved in an avoidant attachment style Here are three signs you’re dating an avoider.
1. Real connection scares them
Avoidants actually enjoy making a new connection with someone. They thrive when they flirt with someone new or follow someone they just met. But when the connection deepens, they drift away.
The closer you two get, the more uncomfortable you become. They start “running away” from you and the relationship. And it’s not because they don’t care. Because real connection and vulnerability scares them.
If you notice that the person you’re seeing starts pulling away after meaningful conversations, discussing the future, or anything else that makes you feel close, they’re probably an avoidant.
2. They give you mixed signals
One of the most confusing things about avoiders is that they are rarely consistent.
A week, they are affectionate. Next week, they will rarely text you.
They talk about future plans together. But then you don’t hear from them for a few days at a time.
Sometimes, they’re at the top of their game, and other times, you wish they’d be more consistent.
It can be an absolute mindf*ck. And often, it leaves you wondering if you’ve done something wrong. But the push and pull comes from struggling between the fear of affection and intimacy and their lack of freedom.
3. They don’t handle emotional conversations well
When you bring up problems or concerns in the relationship, an avoidant usually looks for an exit.
Sometimes, they will dismiss your concerns. Other times, they won’t even respond to you. They may change the subject or stop altogether.
This will leave you wondering if you’ve said the wrong thing or if they’re just not interested. But it all comes down to their fear of intimacy and vulnerability.
Bottom line
The truth is, not everyone with avoidant behavior is avoidant. Some of these traits are part of a person who is emotionally unavailable or narcissistic. But they are can Signs that you are dating an avoider.
If your significant other is avoidant, it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It is possible for someone with avoidant attachment to be securely attached. It requires a lot of self-awareness, growth, and usually therapy.
But remember that you deserve a love that makes you feel safe and prioritized. There are situations where someone’s attachment style doesn’t meet your needs and it may be time to move on.
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This post was Previously published at medium.com.
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Photo credit: Amanda Sixsmith at Unsplash
