We are all looking for the same thing. Turns out, I was all wrong. Both men and women are after the same thing.
We are attracted to the same things. And in the end, we all have to become the person we hope to find. fitter happy Well presented and well kept.
There are three types of people
In our age, people are:
- Uberfit or slim
- huge
- Somewhere on the spectrum between the first two
The biggest difference, in my 11 years of dating, post-divorce experience, is how much attention we each spent on keeping our bodies and minds in shape. As for me, today, I’m still packing my covid-20, but I’m working on it. And my fitness is good. I may be fat, but I’m also fit.
And outside of body mass index and hotness, happiness is by far the strongest attractor. If one does a moderate amount of work to stay in shape while maintaining their youthful routine, their inner joy becomes a yes-factor.
Let’s talk again about who we’re looking for
- Someone compatible with our lifestyle and normal daily cadence
- Neither fitness nor sports is an obsession, but we are both active
- An inner glow, happiness, confidence, a mission
- Having enough experience negotiating relationships to qualify as emotionally intelligent
- Enjoy being our partner, and find the time and energy to work harder
- Comfortable enough in their own skin (emotionally, sexually and spiritually)
- A smile that translates every word into the language of joy
- Feel connected to us
If we are after someone like us
It is important to stay within your weight class. One of the biggest disconnects OK Cupid found in their dating study was people trying to date a level or two above their own hotness. Now, I’m not sure who sets the gauge, but hotness is very subjective. What I think is hot may not be what you think it is. The smile that ignites my imagination may not pursue cosmetic perfection. My idea of a 9 is probably different than yours. But here is what we can admit. If I’m 7.5 and I’m only interested in dating 9.5s who are 5 – 10 years younger than me, well… we’ve got a mismatch there. I’m not saying it’s my ambition. In fact, quite the opposite.
But it is clear that most of us want a partner who is out of our hotness or weight class. Easy to observe in our own browsing. I am looking online for a potential, I pass most 9 – 9.5s. I don’t know what number I am, but I know those women are probably overwhelmed with offers. My 1000-watt smile is not going to hide my excess baggage. It’s for my sparkling personality. And, of course, there are only photos and profiles online. I don’t have a second chance to make a first impression online. And if my photos are mediocre, my smart and funny profile won’t help.
I’m surprised when I swipe around a bit, just to research, that some photos have people posing as themselves. There are so many moments where I can’t help but exclaim, “What were they thinking?” Maybe their goal is not to find a date. Maybe it’s to scare off any potential suitors. But please, folks, no more bathroom mirror photos. Interior car selfies are fine. However, it’s a great idea to get a friend to take your full-body shot. You know you need a full-body shot, right?
If we are shopping for a lover
If online dating is indeed a matching and mating service, we would be best served by putting some thought into our photos. We will have recent, non-glamour-shot, photos. We’ll skip the “margarita time” shots, the “I’m going to get on a private jet” or “in my Ferrari” shots. And we’ll definitely curate bad photos off our profiles. Still, they have. “Ouch.” This is my first reaction. My second is, “Bless their hearts.”
Here’s what you need to do:
- get fit
- be happy
- Take some sweet pictures
- And forget about online dating altogether
You are not looking in the right place
Match, Bumble, Tinder and OK Cupid are not the gateway to your next relationship. They are good for building your choice. You can learn a lot by writing biographical data such as “Here’s what I’m bringing to the party” and “Here’s what I want you to bring.” And browsing can give you a quick refresher course on what you love, like and hate It’s pretty obvious after a few minutes that I don’t hold drinks in women’s hands. And I’m not a big fan of women who lead with a boob-first shot. If that’s the best you’re offering me, I’m not buying.
What do you think is your best quality? What are the things that will attract a partner to you? The right partner? What activities do you like to do with your partner? What are you doing with them on Saturday night? What are you going to do together on Sunday? These are the real deciding factors when it comes to relationship-building. What you do with your partner is often as important as what you say to them or what you like about their appearance. What do you want to do with your lover? Let’s start there.
My next book on dating is called “Let’s Meet There, OK?” And it’s not about anything online. My point is: Get yourself in the best shape possible. Get yourself out in the real world doing what you love. And then observant, charming, and available. Why should you stay in a marginal relationship for an extra month? You’re passing on all the opportunities that come to you.
Let’s start looking for our partners offline. At the tennis club. At a golf tournament. Our kid’s swim meet or soccer practice. Where you find love may surprise you. When you meet in the real world for the first time, there will be no swipes, no filters to fix wrinkles, no photo angles that hide your excess baggage. When you meet in the real world, doing something fun, you’ll be able to evaluate the other person’s whole package without the “online swipe” bias.
Stop swiping and get out.
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Previously published The whole parent
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