When I tell people I’ve been cheated on by multiple partners, they often say, “Maybe you problem.” For a long time this response would have made me roll my eyes or even make me angry.
But after my third long-term partner cheated, it hit me: This was My fault, but not in the way you might think.
I didn’t do anything “wrong” in my relationship. I have never maliciously withheld sex from anyone I was dating, abused anyone, and I certainly have never cheated on someone to make them feel like they cheated on me for revenge.
But I am not guilty of everything. Here’s why it was my fault I was cheated on.
I choose partners who are more likely to cheat
For years, I told myself I was just unlucky. One friend even described it as “bad in love” (just like Halsey’s song). I thought I was choosing dishonest people who couldn’t be faithful.
But eventually, I had to face a hard truth: being cheated on by multiple partners was not random.
All my exes look different on the surface. They were all very different people with different looks, professions and personalities. But underneath it all, they have a lot in common, and it took me a while to realize just how similar they were.
I keep picking partners whose avoidant behavior, lack of self-esteem, narcissistic tendencies, and hunger for validation all create the perfect storm for cheating.
Choosing these types of boys was definitely not intentional. Feel the highs and lows of the relationship known. And I’m not alone. Studies have shown that when you date an abusive, manipulative, or narcissistic partner once, you are more likely to date one again.
I ignored the red flags
It’s often said that the red flags you ignore in the beginning are the reason the relationship ends, and I have to admit that I’ve dated cheaters.
There was a guy who wasn’t sure if he was ready for a commitment.
The guy who was always too busy planning a second date for me.
The guy who was still separated from his wife when we started dating.
There were all the red flags in the beginning, but I didn’t see them as red flags. I saw them as hope. I hoped that the situation would change with time. I saw the potential.
I’m in love with the “what ifs”.
In hindsight, I should have looked for the green flag.
I should look for partners who clearly define the relationship right away, instead of taking months or even years to make it “official.”
I should have looked for partners who were consistent and communicative.
I should have looked for partners who clearly chose me from day one, rather than those who were only available when it suited them.
It is my fault that I was cheated, but it is not my fault that they cheated
At the end of the day, cheating is a choice people make in relationships. Stepping out of your relationship for an emotional or physical relationship with someone else is a deliberate, conscious decision.
I am not responsible for the fact that all my partners have cheated on me.
But I’ve been guilty of ignoring red flags and choosing emotionally unavailable, unrelatable partners. It’s my fault for choosing a manipulative partner with hypersexual and narcissistic tendencies.
It’s my fault for going after the same type of people over and over without learning the lessons that were presented to me.
And sometimes, acknowledging the problem is the first step to not repeating old patterns in the future.
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This post was Previously published at medium.com.
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Photo credit: Priscilla du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash
