Questions one through ten you can’t tell from five.
Co-authored with Gallit Romanelli
Matthew and Hannah sit in my clinic after being away for two weeks.
“The truth is, the last two weeks have been good,” Hannah revealed. “We talked more. We even had a good intimate encounter.”
“Really? I don’t believe you,” says Matthew.
“Yes. Really,” she tries.
“But you’re not really on my side.” Calm down. a little embarrassed
Hannah begins to list everything she has done in those two weeks. He didn’t get angry every time. Every way she has shown up. Matthew admits it all. And still it didn’t land.
“You say it’s good,” he said, “but you don’t celebrate me.”
“Matthew, do you see how much Hannah loves you?” I asked.
“Yes, but…”
I can see it. Something in him is preventing love from coming. Hannah is tired of proving herself over and over again. He is disappointed that she can’t trust him.
Then I asked him.
“Matthew, how much do you love yourself, from one to ten? And you can’t say five.”
He thought for a few moments.
“Four.”
“Matthew, are you worthy of love?”
He was surprised by my question.
“I don’t know…”
“Has no one ever loved you the way Hannah has in the last 14 years?”
Matthew gets emotional, and shakes his head from left to right.
“Did you have a crush as a child?”
He looked down and shook his head.
“So you don’t really know what it feels like. That’s why it’s hard for you to allow yourself to love him…”
Hannah looked at him softly. Matthew is breathing heavily.
“Are you ready to feel the love?”
He wasn’t sure.
We see this all the time in the clinic. Complaints of partners. I do not love. I don’t feel that my partner loves me or is interested in me. So we ask them. What is your partner doing? Words of affirmation, actions, gifts? Usually they are. They can even take you on a trip to Hawaii. But if you don’t open your heart, you will never feel love.
Because love and feeling loved are not the same thing.
Making love vs. feeling of love
being loved What you can observe. Your partner is doing the work. Talk, touch, real deposits in your love tank. but feeling of love How much you let that love in is two different abilities.
That gap is the blind spot. Hannah loved Matthew all day. He just didn’t let it get to him. And it has nothing to do with his behavior. It has to do with him.
Why is this distinction so important?
Most people conflate these two together. So when you don’t feel loved, you blame your partner. It automatically points the finger. And when you point at your partner, three fingers point at you. But the sad truth is that you are never the victim. You always have agency.
Matthew never loved himself, so he blamed his wife. It’s the easiest. Part of being in a relationship is that your partner becomes your punching bag. I don’t feel good myself… it’s probably your fault.
Three things make the difference between being and feeling loved.
- This helps you stop projecting onto your partner.
- It helps you better evaluate your relationship to see if your partner is actually invested in the relationship.
- It increases your agency and ability to feel love.
…
Why is it so hard to believe in our partner’s love and let go?
After years of R&D, we came up with a simple, uncomfortable answer: The amount of love you can feel is determined by the amount you love yourself.
Let’s play a quick game. Answer quickly:
From one to ten, and you can’t say 5, how much do you love yourself?
(Why can’t you say 5? Because 5 keeps you from meeting yourself and taking ownership of your beliefs.)
Whatever number comes up, that’s the glass ceiling for your feelings of love. This is the most love you will ever allow yourself to feel from your partner. For example, if you love yourself a 4, you don’t know what it feels like to love a 6/10. So when someone loves you at eight years old, you don’t believe them.
So it is with Matthew. Hannah could have celebrated him all day. But as long as he loved himself four times, he would never feel more loved.
So here is the promising part. If you want to feel more loved by your partner, work on loving yourself more. We know it’s a cliché. There is no way around it. It’s true.
Here are two practical steps that work for us and our clients that can help you really grow the numbers.
The first is show your shadowWhich includes the parts of yourself that you normally hide. Your jealousy, your dependence, your greed, your weakness. Loving yourself means loving all of you, including the parts you call ugly or embarrassing. The more parts of yourself you can embrace, play with, and share, the more you will love yourself.
The second is called “Thank You, Flowers”. When someone gives you flowers, what do you usually say? You just say “thank you”. You do not argue or reject them. Say thank you and put it in a vase. So the next time your partner does something loving for you, just say: “Thank you, flower.” This code word is more for you than them. It will remind you to shut up and Let the praise land. It may sound strange, but it really works.
Being apart and feeling loved can help couples gain more clarity, ownership, and agency. At the end of the day, you can only change yourself. The goal is to help you feel more agentic and loved while clearly seeing your partner’s efforts.
So we’ll leave you with one question: What would it take to increase your numbers by one more point?
Galit Romanelli is a relationship coach, PhD-candidate, and co-creator of Roadmap to remarriage.
