“A codependent person is one who allows another person’s behavior to influence them and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” ~Melody Beatty
From a young age I felt insecure in my own skin. I am a Very sensitive As a child and, subsequently, most of my life I have struggled with low self-worth.
Although I had many friends and a good family, I constantly looked outside of myself for approval. I grew up believing that the opinions of others were the only accurate representation of my core values.
As a teenager, I witnessed the collapse and eventual death of my parents’ marriage. During these years, I felt like an island.
I was often plagued with a dark, mysterious illness. The growing pains of adolescence combined with the trauma of losing my family identity. In a desperate attempt to combat these negative feelings, I sought the approval of others; When it wasn’t delivered, I felt like a failure.
I was stuck in a vicious cycle of seeking outside validation good enough.
In school, I adopted the boy-crazy-funny-girl role. I wanted to be adored and nurtured and cherished.
I kept a list of all the cute boys in my school and spent hours dreaming of a happy, fairytale romance.
I consistently focused on finding happiness outside This habitual habit of mine has, over time, led to an inability to be satisfied unless something or someone was validating. Most of the time I thought it was me not good enough.
This mistaken belief led me to a decade-long struggle with codependency.
The first codependent relationship I was involved in began when I was nineteen. He was ten years older than me, and unbeknownst to me at the time, a cocaine addict.
Our routine was unhealthy and unproductive. We would spend our weekends drinking and gambling at the local pool hall. More often than not, I spent my entire weekly paycheck by the end of Saturday night.
he humiliated meCalled me names, and consistently criticized my appearance and weight. He compared me to his previous girlfriend. I began to see myself as an incomplete person, in need of major repairs and upgrades. I was so mentally fragile that the wind could knock me over.
In a frantic attempt at self-preservation, I adopted several fear-based behaviors. I became obsessed with him. I was controlling and jealous. I needed to know everything about his past. I desperately wanted him to accept me.
During the ten months we spent together, I neglected my body and mind. I lost an amazing thirty pounds. I was completely isolated from my family and friends. I developed severe anxiety and was paralyzed panic attack. I knew something had to change, so I mustered up the courage to leave him behind.
I thought I had gotten rid of this unhealthy and unsatisfying lifestyle, but the bad habits carried over into my next two relationships.
I spent four years with a man I loved dearly; However, his alcohol dependence brought all my insecurities and controlling behaviors back into play.
We spent four years flip-flopping between wonderful loving moments and horrible physical fights that left us numb and depressed.
When this relationship ended, I sought solace in another unavailable partner, who couldn’t provide me with the stability I so desperately needed.
Such is the nature of the codependent. We seek what is familiar to us, but not necessarily what is good for us.
After logging close to a decade-worth of codependent hours, I finally confronted myself. I knew that if I didn’t make significant changes, I would forever be stuck in a life that was unsuitable for my spiritual and emotional growth.
As Elizabeth Gilbert in one scene Eat, Pray, Love Breaking into the bathroom, I faced the music. I got myself a small apartment and began my recovery.
The first few days alone were brutal. I cried and cried. I had trouble doing basic tasks like walking my dog or getting groceries. I turned completely inward, nursing my turmoil like an old friend. Distraught and lonely, I did the only thing I could think of: I asked for help.
The first step I took was to order Melody Beatty’s book No longer codependent. This is probably the most remarkable self-improvement book I’ve ever read. I felt the weight lift as I read page after page.
Finally, I was able to understand all the behaviors, feelings, and emotions I had struggled with for so long. I was a textbook case, my highlighter making sure I completed the “Codependency Checklist.” Perhaps some of these questions will speak to you.
- Do you feel responsible for other people—their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, and fate?
- Do you feel compelled to try to help people solve their problems or take care of their feelings?
- Do you find it easier to feel and express anger at injustices done to others than injustices done to you?
- Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?
- Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives you?
- Do you feel empty, boring and worthless if you have no one else to care for you, a problem to solve or a crisis to deal with?
- Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems?
- Do you lose interest in your life when you fall in love?
- Do you stay in relationships that don’t work and put up with abuse to keep people loving you?
- Do you leave bad relationships only to create new ones that don’t work?
(You can read more about Here are the habits and patterns of codependent people.)
After admitting my codependency, I joined an online support group for family members of addicts/alcoholics. It gave me a platform to share my story, without judgment, and slowly, I healed my aching heart.
The most significant things I learned on this journey:
1. Without change, nothing changes.
This is such a simple but profound truth. This is reminiscent of Einstein’s definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. The cycle of co-dependence can only be overcome by establishing and nurturing a super-loving relationship with yourself. Otherwise, you will constantly find yourself in unhealthy, codependent relationships.
2. We cannot control others, and it is not our job to do so.
For years, I was constantly trying to control and micromanage other people’s behavior to avoid my own negative feelings.
I chose partners with alcohol and drug addictions. Often, I chose angry and evasive men. Focusing on what was wrong with themI could ignore what was Empty and incomplete in me
I naively thought it would give me a sense of stability. In fact, it did the opposite. Surrendering the need to control other people provides the space we need to connect with ourselves.
3. Love and obsession are not the same.
For years I falsely believed that love and obsession were one and the same. I gave so much of myself to my partners, naively thinking that was the path to happiness.
I learned that healthy love requires both partners to have unique, individual identities outside of the romantic relationship. Time alone, with friends, and when you’re together to work on personal projects allows you to really connect without feeling suffocated. We build trust when we can give ourselves and our partners some breathing room.
For many years I Neglected my own needs. I now prioritize personal time to do personal activities: reading, writing, walking, reflecting. I learned to incorporate self-love rituals into my life once I began healing. One of my favorite things to do is spend the evening in a warm bubble bath, light some candles and listen to Alan Watts talk.
4. Life is not an emergency.
It’s a big deal! I constantly lived in a high-stress vortex—terrified of people, abandonment, and life.
I worry a lot about things outside of my control – often, other people. I now understand that life is about enjoying and enjoying. Everything good and bad will happen, but with a centered and balanced heart, we can overcome any obstacle.
The key to balance, for me, is living fully in each moment, accepting life as it is. Even when I feel down, I know that the universe has my back and that everything in life is unfolding as it should.
If you don’t hold this belief, it might help to remember you You have your own back, and you can handle what’s coming. When you trust yourself and focus on yourself instead of others, it’s much easier to enjoy life and stop living in fear.
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I have assembled a group of super-hero coaches and teachers who have helped me significantly over the years in my quest for self-improvement. I have loving support and encouragement from many sources. It is my dream to be able to give some of that back to the world. I hope I did that with this post.
about Arian Michwood
When she’s not devouring every foreign film she can get her hands on, Ariane likes to steal with her pug and run tirelessly down the path of self-gratification. Although he is highly organized, he is spontaneous when it comes to love.
