“True love is born of understanding.” ~Buddha
I believe one of our strongest desires in life is to feel understood.
We want to know that people see our good intentions and get where we’re coming from, not just our.
We want to know them see Our stars recognize thoughts, feelings, and the struggle Those that underlie our choices, and they are not only empathetic, but can even be relatable. And maybe they would do the same thing if they were in our shoes.
Maybe, if they had been where we were, if they had seen what we saw, they would be standing exactly where we are now, in the same situation, with the same beliefs, making the same choices.
All this below maybe Desire to feel validated.
We are social creatures, and we thrive when we feel a sense of belonging. It requires a certain sense of security, which depends on values and accepted. But those feelings don’t always come easily.
There was a time when one of my relationships felt incredibly insecure. I never felt understood or validated, and worse, I often got the feeling that the other person didn’t care to understand me.
When you hold onto the comfort of understanding, it can overwhelm you with a sense of power. And it also creates a sense of separation, which for some feels safer than closeness.
This person often assumes the worst of me—that I’m selfish and weak—and interprets everything I’ve done through this lens.
They will belittle my beliefs and opinions, as if they warrant no consideration or respect.
And they would even make fun of me when I tried to share my thoughts and feelings, belittling not only my perspective but also my personality. As if I had no value. As if I wasn’t worth listening to. As if I am not worthy of respect.
it hurts
It’s hard to feel like no one cares to see where you’re coming from or hear what you have to say.
It hurts to feel someone is more committed to misunderstanding you than to develop any sense of common ground.
It hurts to feel invalid.
We often take that pain and churn it into anger. Or at least that’s what I do.
i fought I screamed. I cried. I tried to force them to see my basic goodness and see the world from my vantage point.
I tried to impose my will on them – to be valued and listened to – regardless of whether they were willing or able to pay me that courtesy. And I gave myself a lot of trouble, while justifying this madness with an indignant sense of righteousness.
Because people should try to understand people should Treat each other with respect. people should Be kind and loving and open. Because it will make the world feel safer.
But here are the things I learned: should Always a trap. Things will never be exactly as we think they should be, and resisting that only causes us pain.
But more importantly, there is something more empowering than trying to force other people to be what we think they should be – and that person is ourselves.
In this case, I understand, it means understanding the person who doesn’t understand or understand me.
Remember what I wrote about separation feeling safer for someone than intimacy?
This was actually a huge insight for me. That perhaps when someone seems unwilling to embrace me with understanding, it’s more that they’re unable to let me in, for reasons I’ll never know.
I actually did a lot of digging to try to understand what would make someone—and specifically, this someone—stop being understood. What pain could be so dramatically hard in their hearts? As often happens when you dig, I found it a lot to explain.
I found unresolved traumas that likely led to deep feelings of shame and vulnerability—which probably resulted in a need to always be strong and show off. invulnerable And when you’re impenetrable, not much can penetrate. Not a new idea, and not an attempt at a deeper connection. Which is really sad to think about.
Of course, it hurts to feel that no one understands you. But can you imagine the pain of barely understanding someone because giving someone your heart really hurts? Can you imagine a life so protected, so afraid, constantly hiding – and perhaps not even realizing it?
I’ve come to believe that when someone makes no effort to understand us, it usually comes down to this: deep pain that prevents them from loving.
They can be closed for everyone. Or specific ideas that trigger something from their past. Or maybe we, ourselves, are the trigger.
Maybe we remind them of something they want to forget. Maybe our presence forces them to face something they’d rather avoid.
I remember reading an article about women often having contentious relationships with their mothers-in-law. The author uses as an example, a mother-in-law who always complained about her daughter-in-law’s couch and then wrote, “You never know. She might be raped on a couch that looks like yours.”
It hit me hard. The idea that everyone has hidden pain, isolated in shame, often manifests in hurtful behavior.
I know I’ve been there before. Although I’m not proud to admit it, I’ve shut people down or shut them down because they triggered something painful in me. Knowing this, I understand how pain can bring out the worst in us.
Considering this does not justify any form of disrespect or mistreatment. It does not condone abuse. But if we really want Understanding, perhaps, is the key choose to understand
Maybe the secret is to expand our perspective on what makes us feel safe in the moment so that we can do our part to help create a greater sense of safety for everyone we encounter.
Maybe by choosing to offer understanding, we can influence those around us to heal their pain so that they may one day open their hearts a little wider. When they are ready. when they are feeling safe
So what is the best thing to say to someone who doesn’t understand you? I think it’s, “I understand that you don’t understand.”
I think it’s accepting the other person where they are, even if you have no idea where they’re coming from or what’s driving them.
Because even if we don’t know the specifics, we can know there is some explanation—some complex web of past events and psychological factors that make them who and how they are.
It is not easy to do.
This often requires us to create boundaries, whether that means avoiding certain conversations or even creating physical distance between those relationships.
It requires us to pause and connect with our deepest purpose, before reacting emotionally, defensively, in anger.
And it requires us to grieve and let go of the relationship we hoped for, knowing that we are offering someone else compassion and consideration that they can never return.
I take comfort in knowing that it is the higher road, not because I feel superior on higher ground but because it is less painful there—for me and for everyone I encounter in my life.
When I choose the change I want to see, it matters less to me that everyone else sees me, values me, gets me, and understands my good intentions—because i am reason to do i am Know that I come from a place of love, kindness and honesty.
And it’s a solid foundation for navigating a world full of hurt people who aren’t ready or able to love.
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