I wasn’t depressed when I was in third grade. I was just an angry eight-year-old boy. That’s what I was told anyway. The problem they wanted to solve. I had a problem to solve. My school sent me for anger management, and a doctor sent home charts so my teacher could track my behavior and report to the doctor.
I remember looking around the room during that anger management session and seeing only boys in the room. I didn’t think much of it then, but I do now. I actually had to see if the childhood anger management group divided the children by gender. Spoiler alert. They don’t. However, boys are sent at dramatically higher rates than girls.
No one asked me what was wrong. No one thought that anger could actually be something else entirely.
The first time I tried to end my life I was 10 years old. I didn’t tell anyone why. Not that anyone asked. I’m not sure I fully understand why I tried. All I knew was that something inside of me hurt in a way that I couldn’t quite pinpoint or describe. But I knew the word “anger” didn’t come close to covering it.
I wouldn’t have known it at age 10, but I was falling through the cracks that millions of boys fall through every year. The system isn’t designed to figure out what’s going on inside of us. It is designed to manage the symptoms as quickly as possible.
Mental health providers are trained to look for grief. Unfortunately, depression in boys and men often manifests as anger, and the people “diagnosing” our behavior often aren’t even mental health providers. They are teachers and administrators doing exactly what they are trained to do. They identify a problem (in this case, a person) and then find the fastest way to eliminate that problem. They only see a problem, not a child.
Males account for nearly 80% of all suicide deaths but account for only 50% of the population, and 60% of these suicides had no documented mental health condition. Men are about 4 times more likely to die by suicide than women, although women report more attempts and suffer from depression more often. These people never make it into the system. Not because they are not suffering. Because people rarely recognize what suffering looks like in men.
Studies show that Only 17% of American men saw a mental health professional in 2023, compared to 28.5% of women. Boys are taught at a young age that showing emotion makes them look weak. They are taught that the proper response is to mask their emotions and push through. So that’s exactly what they are. They keep quiet and act like everything is fine.
40% of men feel lonely at least once a week and 1 in 4 men say they lack close friends. Silence is not a choice. It is a symptom. I understood this feeling long before I heard these statistics. Sometimes you can have a lot of people around you and still feel completely alone. This is the quiet part that people rarely talk about. Loneliness isn’t always about being alone. Sometimes you’re surrounded by people you can’t quite open up to.
I felt a different kind of isolation. I had my family, extended family, and a friend or two, but I wasn’t comfortable opening up to any of them. Maybe because I was so young I didn’t really understand what I was dealing with. How could I explain the way I felt to another child my age when I didn’t understand it? So, I didn’t even try to explain it. I kept it to myself. As boys are often taught to do.
About one person dies by suicide every 13 minutes in the United States. I was almost one of those statistics. multiple times I tried to end my life on three separate occasions when I was 15.
For years, I tried to detach from that version of me. I told myself that these problems were the childhood version of me. A version of me that I was sure no longer existed. But it quickly became clear to me that some behaviors in my adult life stemmed directly from my childhood experiences. I realized that I couldn’t ignore the childhood version of me in my adulthood. I knew I had to work on healing my inner child. This is what ultimately led me to try therapy. I was finally able to admit that I was running from things that I could no longer overcome.
Around junior year of high school, I made a promise to myself. I promised myself that I would never try to end my life again. Not because things were magically healed. Rather, I refused to let my demons win. I had moments, especially in college, where I questioned the promises I made to myself, but I persevered and kept them. Keeping that promise to myself ultimately led me to therapy. I finally stopped running and started fighting.
I only started therapy a few months ago, but I can already see a lot of progress. I know there’s still a lot of work to do, and I’m not afraid to do it.
If you’ve made it this far, some of this might seem relatable. Maybe you were angry. Maybe you were the tough one. Maybe you had problems. Maybe some people will still label you as angry, but you know who you really are.
You are not a problem to be managed. You are a person. you are a man please listen People want to listen. Do it for the childhood version of you that never got a chance to listen. You owe yourself at least that much.
Asking for help does not equate to weakness. Being silent can turn you into another statistic. Please don’t become another number. I know it can be hard to keep your head above water. It can seem easy to give up and drown yourself. you are not alone We are here to support you until you are strong enough to support yourself.
I was on the other side of it too. When I was in college I volunteered for a crisis text line. There are real people out there who want to hear from you. They’ll volunteer their time to talk you through what you’re feeling rather than you becoming another statistic. Trust me.
If you or someone you know is experiencing problems, please contact:
- 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline— Call or text 988 (free, 24/7)
- Crisis text line– Text HOME to 741741 (Free, 24/7)
- SAMHSA National Helpline— 1–800–662–4357 (toll-free, confidential, 24/7)
- Mental Health America— mhanational.org
- Open Path Collective— openpathcollective.org (affordable therapy options)
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