We have seen all the pictures and videos. A disabled student on the front page of the newspaper, surprised when his classmates invite him onto the court to score the game-winning basket. Inspirational meme with marathon runner with prosthetic leg captioned ‘The only disability is a bad attitude.’ They go viral on social media and people share them without thinking twice Because they feel good. Because they are inspiring.
But who is the inspiration?
This is not me as a disabled woman.
A few years ago, Australian comedian and disability activist Stella Young coined the term inspiration pornWhich means objectifying the disabled for the emotional gratification of the disabled. To make them think: no matter how bad my life is, it could be worse.
On the surface, these moments look like kindness. Something worth celebrating. But what they actually do is turn the entire existence, story and life of a disabled person into a prop. This is the ability at its best, and it shows in many ways.
It makes us object. It infantilizes us. It assumes that our lives are so difficult that only the day is worth celebrating. And it completely sidesteps the real conversation: inaccessible buildings, lack of accommodations, systems that were never designed with us in mind. A smile on a flight of stairs never turned into a ramp. And a viral video never changed that.
It’s not motivation. It’s a distraction.
When Stella was a teenager, someone wanted to nominate her for an achievement award. His parents rejected it saying that he had not really achieved anything. She was just a kid, going to school, getting good grades, and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Being disabled was not an achievement. It was just her life.
And that’s exactly the point. As Stella says: We’re not here to inspire you. We are just living our lives.
I’ve been on the receiving end of porn inspiration many times. I have multiple chronic illnesses, have had over 50 surgeries and rely on a feeding tube to survive. Many times, someone has said some version of: “You are so strong. You inspire me.”
I know these words come from a good place. I really do. But what they actually communicate is: Your life is so difficult that simply existing is an achievement worth celebrating. It sets the bar for people with disabilities on the floor and then applauds us for stepping above it.
It flattens us, reducing a complex human being to a single description: the courageous, resilient disabled person. It leaves no room for anything else. And when you become flat in a motivation, it becomes very difficult for the people around you to see you as a whole person. as a friend As a colleague. As someone they might want to date.
Like Stella’s parents, I want to be recognized for something I’ve worked for. If I’m going to inspire someone, let it be this: listening to my gut, building a company without a technical background, and creating something the world truly needs. That’s dateability to me. I co-founded with my sister Alexa. The only dating app built for the disabled and chronically ill community. Not proof that a person with a disability can be successful despite their circumstances, but proof that we all have as much to offer as anyone else. Including love.
Because motivational porn isn’t just about viral photos and motivational memes. This can also be seen in dating. And when it does, it’s just as inhumane.
When non-disabled people encounter disabled people on dating apps, motivation shapes how they see us before they say a word. We are either an object of pity, someone who needs to be cared for, or on the other end, someone whose resilience and strength make them uniquely inspiring to be around.
The truth is, people with disabilities don’t want to be your inspiration. We want to be your equal. We want to date where our disability is context, not character. Where we can be funny and complicated and sometimes annoying like everyone else.
Inspiration porn is not inevitable. It is a habit and like all habits, it cannot be learned.
It starts with paying attention to what we share and why. Before you post a viral video of a disabled person doing something that wouldn’t make headlines if a non-disabled person did it, ask yourself: Who is it for? What does this sharing actually do for the person in it?
It continues with listening. The disability community has been saying for years what they need: access, not inspiration. Not praise, but equity. Not a viral moment, but the common dignity of being seen as a whole person.
And it shows in the spaces we create. Dateability exists because we believe people with disabilities deserve a place to connect on their own terms: not as someone’s feel-good story, but as people looking for the same things everyone else is: companionship, laughter and connection.
We are not here to inspire you. But here we are. All of us. And it’s time to change the description.
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This post was Previously published at medium.com.
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Photo credit: Olga Sargentu on Unsplash
