I have been in a relationship with an avoider for the better part of five years. I learned a lot during that time.
“I’m fine” means “I’m not catastrophically fine and won’t tell you.” How to resist a person’s initial urge to enter a room only to find they’ve just closed a door. How to cook a meal for one while my loved one decompresses six feet away.
What I’ve learned the most though is this: when an avoider asks for space, they mean it literally. Not emotionally. Not figuratively. physically They mean: Please put your body somewhere that is not near my body and leave it there until further instructions. In the kindest possible way.
That sounds simple. It is not easy. Especially if you are anxiously attached, because your nervous system gets “I need space” and immediately translates it into “something is wrong and I need to fix it right now with my presence.”
Pro tip! My dear reader, your presence its opposite What they need!
Here’s what they actually need. in practice. In the real sense, from real messy everyday life.
1. Leave them alone. completely alone No asterisks.
Space means a room with a closed door. Choose more than one wall between you. Ideally, a different floor of the building or outside.
no”I’m in the next room but I’ll leave the door a crack so I can hear you.“no”I’m just sitting quietly nearby“The soft, not well-meaning version of wandering that feels considerate to you and surveillance to them.
closed door The other side of it. That’s all.
When an avoidant says they need space, they’re telling you their nervous system is full. they are capable
Stimulation of another person, even a person they love, can happen especially The person they love is so much more now. Your job, at that moment, is to temporarily disappear.
i know It’s uncomfortable. I am an anxious person, and I know how impossible it seems. no matter what
2. Do not check them!
They are adults. If they need water, they will get water. Eat when hungry. If something goes wrong, they’ll tell you (or they won’t, because they don’t want to yet, and it’s allowed).
Feel free to check in. I understand the emotion. “Just wanted to see if you needed anything!” A sentence that feels like love and places like knocking on a door that they close for a reason.
The truth about check-in: It’s usually not for them. This is for you. It’s a way to manage your own anxiety about closure. Which is totally understandable, anxiety is scary, but outsourcing your anxiety management isn’t a great strategy for someone dealing with an already overwhelmed person.
Assume they are fine. Because they probably are. And if they are not, that right now bears them. You’ll be there when they come out. That’s the job.
3. Don’t sneak a peek. That’s cheating.
We all know what a sneak peak looks like. Small tasks that get you out their door. The glass of water you definitely got for yourself and definitely not used as an excuse to walk. “I forgot something” that doesn’t need to be remembered right now.
don’t do
If you find yourself engineering reasons at a closed door, go one step further: leave the house. go for a walk Go to a coffee shop. Sit in a garden or a park or literally anywhere that isn’t a hallway.
Put physical distance between you and the situation, because you have no self-control and I’m not judging you. I’m in the same boat.
It is not abandonment. You are not leaving them or yourself. You are giving them what they want. There is a significant difference, and when you’re anxiously attached, you have to remind yourself of it about sixty times an hour.
4. If you want to do something nice, make them their favorite food and put it in the fridge.
That’s the only loophole, and it’s a good one.
find out in advanceNot today, not as a reconnaissance mission, what is their comfort food. (Hopefully you already know this!) Make it. Leave it on the fridge with no note, no fanfare, no “I’m a thing for you” text, no follow-up.
They will eventually come out. They will open the fridge. They will find it there.
That is active love. Love that needs exactly zero words. The kind of love that doesn’t knock on doors or ask if someone needs feelings or anything back. It just exists on the fridge, saying: I thought of you. I knew you’d be hungry eventually. I’ve been here the whole time, not just like you’re worthless.
In five years of dating an avoidant man, that freeze moment is better than almost anything you can say out loud. They don’t need you to take care of them. They have to prove it to you in a way that they don’t need to accept it on the spot.
5. Use time. for myself appropriately.
In this part, I cannot stress enough: you are only given a few hours of uninterrupted time. The time is yours, not homework time. Not “productive so they feel less guilty” time. yours
When I first started doing it properly, actually occupying my own hours, I was shocked at how much I got done. Has been good. The focus I didn’t achieve for months, because I was driving my ambient attention to the relationship instead of something on my own.
Pick up what you left behind. the book project. The creative thing you started and then quietly set aside because life got busy. That hobby feels a little embarrassing to explain at dinner parties. go do it
Not as a performance of self-righteousness, not as a subtle display that you’re fine, but because you actually have a life that exists separate from this relationship and it’s waiting for you.
You might be surprised at how much you miss it.
Here’s a little secret I’d like to share: When you actually give an avoidant the space they want, they almost always come back lighter. The person who exits the room is easier to reach than the person who entered it. Not always immediately. But the pattern holds.
Because what they were protecting there was the ability to come back to you. They were not closing you out. They were refilling.
Your job is just to leave them. ❤
–
This post was Previously published at medium.com.
Love affair? We promise a better stay with your inbox.
Subscribe to get dating and relationship advice 3x weekly.
do you know We have 8 publications on Medium. Join us there!
***
–
Photo credit: Unsplash NASA
