After 11 years working at a junior boarding school for boys (grades 6-9), I’m moving on to the next chapter of my professional career (whatever that means).
What follows is a brief reflection of my experience and some key lessons that stood out for me.
the magic
The man who convinced me to start working at a junior boarding school for boys was a summer camp counselor, where I first felt the magic. He explained that it was the closest thing to a school camp. I was sold.
When you take a group of guys and put them together in an intimate setting, magic happens. Sometimes it’s dark magic, but it’s magic nonetheless.
Over the years, whenever faculty candidates asked me why I kept coming back, I would say the magic of working with the boys, letting their guard down, putting their arms around each other, singing and dancing on stage, fighting together, saying tearful goodbyes at the end of a proper adventure.
Anyone who thinks it’s a bad idea to organize a group of youths together hasn’t yet experienced when boys are at their best – and at their best. because they are together Boys need this kind of space. To grow up, they need to be vulnerable, and an all-ages setting makes that uniquely possible.
Good times, bad times
There will be good and bad days. This goes on for weeks, months and years. We should not expect otherwise.
When we expect boys to always be good, they disappoint us. When we expect them to always be bad, they surprise us. The key is not to connect with either expectation but to help boys find their way through their current experiences.
Surprisingly, I found that we as a school community struggled the most with the bad times. When we reject behavior or situations that don’t meet expectations, we trade compassion for anger.
Anger is ineffective. This makes connection impossible. It makes people different from others because they draw a bright line of division: It’s wrong, and I don’t accept it.
Bad times don’t need to be as bad as we make them out to be. With the right mindset, we should see challenges as opportunities to grow. And bad times make us appreciate the good. If things never go badly, it will only be a matter of time until we discover that the situation was not good enough.
But don’t worry, you can count on things going badly.
We do not want to overcomplicate our method. In fact, we are better off forgetting the good and bad days altogether and embracing whatever falls from the sky. Face challenges with compassion. Celebrate success with empathy. The problem arises when we are inconsistent, when we are okay with the rain one day and upset about it the next.
If we cannot be consistent in our own practice of working with boys, we will always be at war and never at peace.
Know boys, love boys
The first principal of the school I worked for made a signature promise to families:
“We will know your sons, we will love your sons – but we will not seduce your sons.” (David McCusker)
It has always stuck with me. It is so simple and so spot on.
First you need to get to know the boys. Learning, discipline, and motivation will follow. This critical step is often skipped, not only in education, but in life as well.
We assume that people will listen to us, perhaps respect us, before we know them. Sometimes, especially with children, we expect others to do what they are supposed to do and obey them with due respect before we even learn their names. Education without this connection. It doesn’t work.
To truly connect with guys, we need to show them we love them. Again, this is easy. Or it should be. Because of the intended sensitivity, I’m told not to mention that we’ll “love your boys.” I do not agree with this cowardice. Boys deserve and benefit from the care of loving adults, and we should be bold in that love.
Many men fear vulnerability because they haven’t been taught how to love and be loved like boys. We cannot withhold our love for fear that it might weaken the youth, or us for that matter.
Where it gets most challenging is with the “unlikable” guys. We often have a hard time treating misbehaving and wayward youth with compassion, and they are the ones who need it most.
Finally, we won’t tempt your boys. What a beautiful way to end that vow, it’s also a form of love. When we indulge someone, we do so out of fear. We worry that they will be hurt or won’t love us back if we don’t fulfill their wishes.
Love is not meant to spare anyone from suffering, and it is not meant to be reciprocated. It is helping someone unconditionally in times of need without expecting anything in return.
Walking the line between tradition and change
Boys benefit from routine and ritual – this Something I’ve written about before— But these they must understand. They must be relevant. It’s wonderful when a tradition gives us a sense of connection to those who came before us, yet traditions become irrelevant when they demand we stand still.
People grow up. Study any time in history when authorities tried to prevent this and you will see hatred, rebellion and destruction. You can’t freeze time.
On the other hand, I am far from advocating tradition as oppression. That line of thinking is disconnected from reality. We are as much the past as the future, and when we cut our roots, we become vulnerable.
It can be a tough line to walk with guys, but it’s worth walking with focus and precision. Boys benefit from a sense of grounding. They jump in without any guidance. They become angry and anxious when they are boxed in, and become real people when they are given agency. They deserve formal traditions that recognize their transition to manhood, and they need fun traditions that celebrate their identity as boys.
In short: put the boys on the ground and let them grow.
Boys learn from people they like, including their peers
I have already talked about the importance of love…and I have more to add. Boys learn most from mentors they like. They also learn valuable lessons from adults they don’t get along with, but they’re not the people they’ll go to when their world falls apart.
And we cannot underestimate the importance of their peer relationships. These things are for boys. To our dismay, they are often more important than their relationship with adults, but adults have to lean on it.
I returned to the magic of working in an all-boys school. We should celebrate how much these young people love each other.
It sounds weird to say, but it shouldn’t: I’ve had the privilege of crying with my male peers throughout my life, like at the end of football season and summer camp. They are defining moments in my life, capstones of transformative experiences, and a kind of glue between me and my closest friends.
I have also been fortunate, working in an all-boys setting, to see countless young people say their tearful goodbyes. Boys learn a lot from this relationship. As adults, we should cultivate the strength that exists in that bond to help boys grow.
Boys should experience their youth
There’s a line from a Kevin Wilson novel Nothing to see here I worship that:
“A naughty child is the most beautiful thing in the world.”
There will be disagreement on that score. I suspect/know in the time I’ve served as dean of students that there were few people who weren’t psyched when this quote was thrown into a presentation on behavior management. But, I did, and I won’t take it back.
It’s okay for boys to be boys. Which grown-up among us hasn’t indulged in some healthy mischief that defies the wishes of the elderly? Who hasn’t made a stupid mistake and learned from it in the days of underdeveloped frontal lobes? And what grown-up doesn’t look back on those immature days with a hint of a smile? No need to tell me there is no answer.
Boys will do silly things. They will commit crime and commit injustice. And, with support, they will grow through it.
Boys are dependent in every way, and they depend on skilled guidance and counsel. They are not men yet. If they do not experience their youth, they will reach manhood with no real basis for strength.
How many men are still struggling with problems that they could not solve in childhood? I know I am.
It is not a race to manhood, or adulthood, or enlightenment. Life is a never-ending journey of learning, and cutting corners always results in a leaner infrastructure. We build from the ground up for a reason.
What will happen to the boys in the world
No clue. I’ll try to stay in the loop. I will go to an all-boys summer camp for 25 years, and I will continue to advocate for the well-being of boys and men. I will say this:
Can we all just relax a little? Guys can feel the anxious energy of everyone around them and it’s not productive.
An article later I wrote about male and femaleI received a snide comment because I suggested that people should feel sympathy for men. First, thanks for reading. Second, it is my sincere wish that we as a society empathize with men.
The more we realize that other people’s suffering is our own suffering, the less angry we will be. Healing someone else is self-healing. Of course, we want men to internalize this insight as much as possible.
There will always be both positive and negative effects. This is life. We need to stop being so bothered by bad actors. Our anger feeds them. Boys and men really just want to belong. May we build communities where they are known, loved, not coddled and nurtured to become moral men.
