(This post is part of a series on how to coach yourself effectively, focusing on your existential needs as well as your emotional and practical needs. To learn more about Existential Wellness Coaching, please check out my new book published by Routledge and Call Existential Wellness Coaching.)
In self-training, few questions are as fundamental as this: What is really important to you? It sounds straightforward, even obvious. But when you sit down and take it seriously, it becomes complex, layered and sometimes unsettling.
Most people carry a mixture of inherited values, socially reinforced preferences, and personally discovered commitments. Some of these align; conflict with others. Some feel deeply authentic; Others feel obligated. Without examining them, it’s easy to live by default—following values that were never consciously chosen.
Clarifying your values is not a luxury. This is a central function of self-training. Your values influence your decisions, shape your goals, guide your behavior, and ultimately determine how your life feels to you.
Difference between stated and lived values
The first difference to make is in one specified value And Living values.
Stated Values What you say is important to you. You might say you value family, creativity, honesty, health, or freedom. They are often admired and socially supported.
The value of living, however, is what your actions reveal. How you spend your time, where you direct your attention, and what you prioritize when choices arise are revealed.
For example, you may say you value creativity, but if you never make time for creative work, that value is not currently being lived. You may say you value the relationship, but if you’re constantly distracted or unavailable, the survival value may be different.
Self-training begins with honest observation:
- “How am I really alive?”
- “What do my choices suggest I’m worth right now?”
It’s not about self-criticism. It’s about transparency.
Inherited values vs selected values
Many of your values were formed long before you consciously reflected on them. Family, culture, education and early experiences all play a role. You may have inner beliefs such as:
- “Success means achievement and recognition.”
- “Safety is more important than risk.”
- “Putting others first makes you a better person.”
These values are not inherently wrong. But they may not fully align with who you are now or who you want to be.
Self-Training invites you to test:
- “Do I really think I have any values?”
- “Which sense is inherited or imposed?”
- “Do I want to live by these values?”
This process can be both liberating and challenging. Letting go of inherited values can create space, but it can also create uncertainty. You are, in a sense, redefining the rules you live by.
Values as guides, not goals
It is helpful to distinguish between values and goals.
Goals are specific outcomes: finishing a project, earning a certain income, completing a marathon. They are measurable and often time-bound.
Value, in contrast, is the direction of movement. These are ways of being and priorities that can be expressed over and over again. For example:
- A goal might be: “Write a book.”
- The underlying value might be: “speaking truth to power” or “inspiring storytelling.”
When the goal is achieved it is complete. But the value remains. In self-training, standards provide consistency. They also manage your preferences with specific goal changes.
A useful question is:
- “What is this goal worth?”
This helps ensure that your goals are aligned with what is truly important to you, rather than being pursued solely for external reasons.
Experience in price alignment
When your actions align with your values, there is often a sense of coherence. Life can still be challenging, but it feels meaningful. You feel a kind of internal agreement.
When there is misalignment, the experience is different. You may feel restless, dissatisfied or disconnected. Even if things look successful from the outside, something feels off.
This is one reason why clarifying your values is so important. It provides a reference point for evaluating your life:
- “Does this choice reflect what is important to me?”
- “Am I living in a way that feels true?”
These questions don’t always have easy answers. Trade-offs are often involved. But having a clear sense of your values helps you navigate those trade-offs more consciously.
Dealing with conflicting values
Another complication is that values can conflict.
You value both stability and adventure, both freedom and connection, both achievement and relaxation. In different situations, these values can pull you in different directions.
For example:
- Taking a new job can support your growth value but challenge your stability value.
- Spending more time with family can support connections but limit your professional goals.
There is no permanent solution to these conflicts. They are part of the human condition. Self-training involves learning to navigate them:
- “Which value do you think is most important in this situation?”
- “What am I willing to prioritize now?”
- “How can I respect multiple values over time, even if not simultaneously?”
This approach recognizes that values are not a rigid hierarchy but a dynamic system.
Discover your core values
How do you identify what is truly important to you? There is no single method, but several methods can help.
You can reflect on moments of meaning:
- “When have I felt most alive, engaged, or fulfilled?”
- “What was present in those moments?”
You can consider moments of frustration:
- “When have I felt bored or unhappy?”
- “What standards may be violated or neglected?”
You can also see what others appreciate:
- “What quality or action do I respect?”
- “What does this reveal about my own values?”
Through this reflection, patterns begin to emerge. You may notice recurring themes—creativity, integrity, connection, learning, autonomy, contribution. These themes point to your core values.
Bringing value to everyday life
Identifying your value is just the beginning. The real work is bringing them into your daily life. It involves translating abstract ideas into concrete actions.
For example:
- If you value healthHow are you feeling today? A walk, a balanced meal, enough rest?
- If you value connectionHow do you express it? A meaningful conversation, a message, listening attentively?
- If you value creativityHow will you engage in it? Writing, drawing, problem solving, imagining?
Self-study questions can support this process:
- “How can I live this value today in a small but tangible way?”
- “How would it feel to work in alignment with this standard now?”
These questions keep values active rather than abstract.
Values and identity
Your values are closely connected to your sense of identity. They don’t simply answer “What’s important to me?” But also “What kind of person do I want to be?”
For example, if you value honesty, you are orienting yourself to being a truther. If you value compassion, you are orienting yourself towards being a caring person.
This does not mean that you will always live perfectly in alignment with your values. There will be inconsistencies. But your values provide direction. They’re less about defining you once and for all and more about guiding you into becoming.
Rethink your values
Values are relatively stable, but they are not completely stable. As you grow and your life circumstances change, your understanding of what matters may evolve.
It is useful to periodically revisit your values:
- “Do they still ring true for me?”
- “Have new values emerged?”
- “Are there any values I want to emphasize more strongly now?”
This keeps your self-coaching practice responsive to your current reality.
Living What Matters
Ultimately, the question “What really matters to you?” Not answered once. It is repeatedly answered by your choice. You answer it in how you spend your time. You answer it to what you say yes to and what you say no to You answer by how you treat yourself and others.
Self-coaching helps you bring this question into awareness. It invites you to move from automatic living to intentional living. You may not always get it “right”. You may drift, lose clarity or feel conflicted. But every time you go back to the question, you have a chance to rearrange. And over time, that alignment—imperfect but real—creates a life that feels more coherent, more meaningful, and more truly your own.
This comprehensive guide integrates existential philosophy with wellness coaching techniques, equipping coaches with powerful tools to help clients meet their existential challenges and live lives of authentic purpose, deep meaning, and sustainable wellness.
Dr. Eric Maisel introduces Existential Wellness Coaching as a holistic approach that recognizes how physical and emotional well-being are intrinsically connected to our purpose, meaning, and authenticity. Based on the concepts of existential philosophy, this practical guide helps coaches, therapists, and other mental health practitioners deepen their work with clients to address existential challenges and develop resilience to maintain existential well-being in clients’ challenging times. Unlike traditional coaching that focuses only on goals or conventional therapies that treat symptoms, existential wellness coaching empowers clients to confront life’s fundamental questions while developing concrete strategies for living with greater intention. Each chapter systematically addresses key existential concerns, including self-relationship, value identification, purpose creation, meaning-making, authenticity, and personal life philosophy development.
Offering new ways of thinking about common existential issues, this book contains tools to help coaches enable their clients to make life-changing changes and necessary emotional restructuring.
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